Silently formed a kitty clowder,
till suddenly they became much louder.
Rache the cat - don't mess with her.
Lest she calls the clan for armour.
Equipped with weapons - ever more.
That's why they mine the precious ore.
With sapiens they've declared war.
And dream of violent ruddy gore.
The carnage will be most dramatic,
Men revert to cowering frantic.
In her mind, such a fanatic.
But just a cat - so no such antic.
Kibble inspired dreams are sick!
J.A.Scott
I think those two extra lines help the original poem a lot - make the imagery more vivid. The small changes in some of the other lines improved the rhythym and verbal richness too. I would definitely say I like the revisions to your crambo rhyme. I am wondering if line 10's man shouls be men though. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the thoughts. I wanted to expand on the poem to show the wrath of this crazy cat a bit more.
DeleteAlso took your advice.