Search This Blog


Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Winter's Door

An open door
in Winter is,
annoying as
a math pop-quiz.

Keep the door closed
if you can.
At least for me
that is the plan.

I do not like
a chilly breeze.
So help me out now
if you please.

You'll find for me
it's not okay.
To wait out Winter
in dismay.

If you need a lesson
I will teach.
Don't be surprised
if it's a speech.

I resist the urge
for me to hire.
A doorman's not
what I require.

Perhaps it's time
for me to weld,
the door secured...
I am compelled.

Office can through
a window stroll,
while neighbour upstairs
slides down a pole.

Or ask my grandma
to sit and stare,
and tsk those daft,
who boldly dare

to leave the door
open, so taboo.
Annoying as a
monkey throwing poo.


Sunday, December 14, 2014

Open Door Policy

R.a.n.t. of week 12/14/14
Here's an interesting little fact. When the front door is open in the Midwestern states during winter, cold air blows in. Did you know that? Apparently it's news to some people, primarily others in the same apartment as me. The problem is, one of the tenants lives upstairs and away from the back door and the rest of the uninformed people work for the business which also uses the same door. Additionally, the outside door is next to my kitchen door and when the outside door is left open cold air rushes into my kitchen under the door.

Suggestions on how to resolve the situation are simple enough.
1.) Ignore the problem. It'll go away in about four months.
2.) Move
3.) Approach each person and instruct them on how to close a door.
4.) Every time someone enters or leaves, open my apartment door and slam the outside door loudly.
5.) Put up a sign that reads, 'This door does not close itself. I've asked it to do so many times, but it refuses. Can you assist?"
6.) Hire a doorman
7.) Administer electro-shock therapy to those unable to figure out how to close a door.
8.) Ever time someone successfully closes the door, walk out and pat them on the head, telling them what a good boy they are (or girl) and how proud I am of them.
9.) Weld the door shut. I can use my front door. The office can use a window. Upstairs tenant can slide down a pole like Batman used to do.
10.) Pay an older lady to sit by the door and tsk people who leave the door open. She will reply with. "No, don't worry about me. I LIKE the door open blowing cold air on my feet."
11.) Train a monkey to sit on the steps and throw poo at anyone who does not close the door.

Did I miss any?

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Dreary Gloomy People

Dreary, gloomy, people crying.
Hiding in the house.
Laying on the ground.

Dreary, gloomy, people trying.
Sitting in the dark.
A whimper is their sound.

Woe is me,
dreary as can be.
Gloom is all,
that I can see.

Dreary, gloomy people crying...
crying in cupped hands.
Another day,
another scar.


Sunday, December 7, 2014

Shiny Happy People

R.a.n.t. of week 12/07/14
One of the worst things a person can deal with is depression. Wait, no. I take that back. There is one thing worse than being depressed. It's when you are depressed and Guy Smiley is standing there telling you things are not 'as bad as all that'. It's annoying enough to be depressed, but when someone tells you to 'buck up' or 'look on the bright side of life' it's as if they are telling you, 'you are not trying to be happy', 'it's your own fault you are not happy' or 'maybe if you tried a little harder you'd be happy'. Even if their comment is well intended, the depressed person can take it that way. It's a real struggle to NOT feel that way. Additionally, we each deal with things in different ways. One person may deal with depression better than another, but that same person may be more prone to freaking out when seeing a bug crawl across the kitchen floor. The worse part really isn't that they are telling us to feel a certain way. I mean the depressed person doesn't always want to feel depressed. Who doesn't want to feel happy? But when a shiny happy person is standing over you, and you feel the world is caving in, it can be a bit much. Here you are thinking about something sad and someone walks up with bright smile on their face. "Hey, buck up! Put a smile on your face!" In a way, this sort of thing happens to me at work when I answer the phone. I'll be depressed about something in particular and when someone calls they ask, "How you doing?" Just annoying.

So in protest, I've decided to rewrite the lyrics to the R.E.M. song 'Shiny Happy People'. I hope Charles Winthrop doesn't find out. He hates Weird Al, and he hates it even more when I 'destroy' a song. Hmmm, wonder if this would depress him. "Cheer up!" I'll tell him, as I stroll away whistling.

Dreary Gloomy People

♫ Dreary Gloomy People Crying ♪

♫ Hiding in the house... gloomy... people.
Laying on the ground... crying... trying.
Hear that whimper sound? Dreary.. Woe is me. ♪

♫ Dreary, Gloomy, People in cupped hands.
Dreary, Gloomy People in cupped hands.
Dreary, Gloomy People Crying. ♪

Okay, that's enough, I've made my point. I know most won't fully understand this rant. So be it, I'm not bothered. It's just something I have to deal with from time to time. So for those that have no idea what it's like, enjoy the music videos below. And remember, if you're crying, you're not trying (to be happy). Or so I've been told.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

The Spice Store

I had a chip,
how it was bland.
Slightly better,
than munching sand.

Was boring as,
a plate of rice.
I greatly need
some special spice.

Now my palate,
I'll put at ease.
by switching to,
Doritos cheese.

Or sample curry
if I was dared
Is this too much,
should I be scared?

I may have said
this all before.
Doritos needs
their own spice store.


Monday, December 1, 2014


Never wander,
never roam.
Always sticking close to home.

Do not leave,
and do not quit.
Like a good dog, sit, sit, sit.

How I love stability,
though a fanciful little dream.
I've had enough reality.
That's enough! I want to scream.

Time to settle,
I implore.
You do not like it? There's the door.

Off you wander,
off you roam.
always seek a better home.


Sunday, November 30, 2014

The Spice of Life

R.a.n.t. of week 11/30/14
As you know, there are many things in this world that enrage me enough to rant about them. But did you know there are many things I feel are not important enough to rant about? Things that just make me wonder, pondering what if, why not or how come? Usually, it's simple stupid stuff. Why do I love watermelon flavoured candy but not watermelons themselves? Why can my home coffee pot never make coffee as rich as Starbucks? Why are some friends addicted to Star Wars but refuse to give Doctor Who a try? How come there are no Doritos flavoured spices?

Okay, I take back what I said about not wanting to complain. If you ask me, Doritos flavoured spices only make a lot of sense. Really, what are Doritos without the flavouring? Just nacho chips. What fun is that? Without the flavouring, they are as boring as eating vanilla flavoured ice cream. Yawn! (Another rant for another time).

What could be better than adding a little nacho cheese flavouring to a casserole? Some Taco flavouring on top of a burger? Maybe a chicken breast spiced with cool ranch? Am I over-thinking this? I can't be the only one. Believe it or not I actually have some strong support in high places. Did you know Taco Bell regards Doritos in such high regard they have tacos flavoured after the chip called Doritos Locos Tacos? And they have been so popular Doritos in turn produced a chip flavoured after the Doritos Locos Tacos? Huh? I'm confused and I think my head just exploded. But at least I have support the Doritos flavour spices can be added to more than just chips. So, what other Doritos flavours would you like to see in spice form? Here are a few of my suggestions.

Spicy Sweet Chili

Intense Pickle

Coconut Curry

Late Night BBQ


Tomato & Onion Salad



Andes Rock Salt

Yoghurt & Mint

Your Guess Is As Good As Mine