Its Won More Grammer Post

I was reading an article written by my one time 'consultant', Professor Sanee. She has a fascination with using humour in counselling and therapy sessions. This particular article caught my eye because she picks apart a 'Weird Al' song. She also discusses her writing (which is pretty much what the article was about). How could I pass this up?

I asked if I could repost and she agreed on the 'proviso' (her word, not mine) I remind everyone her new book, "Giggle, Guffaw & Other Curious Words", is now in book stores. The book researches various word and phrase origins. It also identifies how certain archaic words fell into disuse.

Anyway, her abridged article on grammar is below.
Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
J.A.Scott

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The humorist Al Yankovic recently penned a song describing the decline of proper grammar. You will note, the song is replete with both information and humour. In one of the first verses, he points out how the inability to conjugate results in mocking. This is especially true when you post your inability on social networks.

Is it not sad how social media is the catalyst for the inundation of 'grammar fools'? Simple words are suddenly lost from even the most basic nomenclature of written communication. It's enough to make a grown women cry. Particularly when editing students term papers.

Mr. Yankovic then uses the examples of words such as; be, see, are & you. He points out writing such as B, C, R & U is not only lazy and sloppy, but indicative of a lower intellect. If I might point out, the number 2 is also not a word. Unless you are utilizing it to indicate an amount of something.

In a similar vein, misusing a wrong can bring hours of entertainment to any 'Grammar Nazi'. Al points out the words 'its' and 'it's' differ in meaning. While one is possessive, the other is a contraction. A contraction is actually two words. The proper use should be apparent. As I continually tell my students, if you don't know, say it out loud. For example 'The dog wagged it's tail'. If you were to write it this way, you are saying the dog wagged it is tail. Does that makes sense to you?

I also appreciate how the song points to the incessant errant grammar found in almost every e-mail and blog post online. I was reading a blog not long ago and found this gem, "My wish is too B visiting london, Europe and it's surrounding countries this year." What sort of syntax is that? Hold my grammar pen! This sort of spastic writing gives me a migraine.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Thanks again to Professor Sanee for letting me use a portion of her article. I love her writing style and how it's infused with humour. The rest of the article can found in the European magazine, 'A Writer's Right'. For anyone unfamiliar with the song she is referencing, I've included the video below.

Additional Questions:
What grammar errors drive you nuts?
What grammar errors have you had to work on?
Are you a 'Weird Al' Yankovic fan?
Have you read either of Sanee's books?



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Professor Sanee resides in Italy
and teaches the course 'the
Ethics of Humour' at I.M.A.
She's also author of the book,
"Why Isn't Anyone Laughing?"

A Special Anniversary R.a.n.t. 2015

R.a.n.t. of week 07/26/15
I can't believe I've been r.a.n.t.ing on my blog for three continuous years straight. Even more to the point, I can't believe I've been seriously writing for over thirty years. What started with me keeping a simple creative writing journal in one of my English classes, has resulted in boxes full of short stories I've written and rewritten, an eight part short story series titled "Writer's Block", almost 200 poems and countless r.a.n.t.s on this very blog. You would think I'd have run out of things to write about, and I admit from time to time I wonder where I'll get more ideas and inspiration from. But they still keep coming. And since I do continue to keep getting inspiration, what better thing could I celebrate? As I did once before, I bring you my anniversary r.a.n.t with the help of a few friends.

Business

"We got hosed!" So say many customers of Telebrands Inc, also know as the "As Seen On TV" people. You may be tempted to purchase a few of their products such as the 'Pocket Hose', 'Lint Lizard' or 'Dump Cakes', but you better be prepared to order more than than what you are bargaining for. The company has recently come under fire for "scamming" customers with shady up-selling deals and inaccurate adverts. I can only image getting a refund would be as much of a nightmare. Honestly, who needs a useless 'Rabbit TV' USB so badly they are willing to risk getting scammed? I for one would be happy to stick with the CBC. Or better yet, read a good book.
Jenni Long
- Thanks for doing the anniversary r.a.n.t. again Jenni. I hope you are satisfied writing the business feature, per your request of last time.



Celebrities

I don't no if I can still be a Ariana Grande fan after I heard this report. If you know me like all my friends know me, you know I love my donuts. But I also love Ariana Grande, almost as much as I love One Direction. But then she licks all the donuts in the store and I'm like OMG! Did she really do that? It's a good thing I did not see her do that or I would have to fight her. Now every time I eat a donut I wonder if someone liked it. And I love my donuts. Did I mention that already? Why did you do that Ariana? Why? Now One Direction is my favorite music group. Expecially Liam Payne. I love you.
Katy
- I like your r.a.n.t. Katy. As always, your writing is extremely humorous. In more than one way.


Music

You know what grinds my gears? When someone says to me “I only listen to (insert music genre)” or “I simply can’t stand (insert music genre)”.
Maybe it’s just me, but I honestly believe that each genre represents a mood. If you are listening to only one music genre, you are not properly expressing your moods. For example, one cannot only listen to hymns and properly express anger or rage. And one simply cannot only listen to death metal and properly express a somber spiritual mood. There has to be balance in your life. Each genre provides the balance that is needed.
People have said “But I don’t like Rap (or Urban Street Music). What the music stands for is just wrong with the foul language and sexual innuendo.” If you actually took the time to listen and pay attention, you would realize that not ALL Rap (or Urban Street Music) is full of swearing and sexual innuendo.
There is good in ALL genres of music. and ALL music genres serve a purpose in life. What purpose or mood does Death Metal serve? As a menopausal female - I can honestly tell you that Death Metal is a wonderful release.
Mary Burris
- Lovely contribution Mary. I guess some people prefer only Highlander Music, "There can be only one." Personally, I listen to all sorts of music. Even country and rap. Though I'll admit, not very often, and usually more 80's style rap.


World News

I know you are not going to believe this, but something good has finally come out of the European Union. It seems by the year 2017, data and roaming charges will be abolished for those of us in the EU travelling to other EU countries. As an author looking to promote my new book, 'Giggle, Gaffaw & Other Curious Words', in other European states, this relaxation of data charges is going to help me keep in touch with friends and family back home, should I need my own humour transfusion to keep going. Of course 2017 is quite a time off and I start my book tour late October. Possibly within Foyles or some other chain. Sneak peak: Chapter One is titled, 'Snark, Snark, the Dog's Do Bark'. Hope to see you readers at one of the signings. More details later.
Arrivederci / Professor Sanee
- Sanee, I appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to provide a little something for my anniversary post. Even if it swayed more towards self-promotion. Make sure to give me details on your book tour when it's available and I will share with my readers.


Science

Are you as fascinated with the recent focus of Planet Pluto as I am? Yes, I said it, Pluto is a planet. Say what you want about the reasoning behind calling it a dwarf planet, in my opinion it's still a planet. What's the term - Grandfathered in? And truly, is the term 'dwarf planet' politically correct? Yes, I've read the articles on why it's classification was downsized. Yes, I have read the Science Journals with their facts and figures. I may even agree with a few of them. But when the New Horizons probe was initially launched in January of 2006, Pluto was still a planet. In my opinion, Pluto still IS a planet. But then again, perhaps the New Horizons probe is just a hoax, like the moon landing. Another rant for another time.
Charles Winthrop
- I love topics involving outer space. And yes, I am fascinated about this whole Pluto thing. The moon landing a hoax? LOL I assume you are being facetious.


This draws this years anniversary r.a.n.t. to a conclusion. Thanks to everyone who participated. As for you readers. You have a job to do now. Make sure you let the writers know what a great job they did. Did you find one of their short articles particularly interesting? Let them know in the comments. Did you disagree with their viewpoint on a subject? Let them know too.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jenni Long is a writer and editor
of the Canadian children's magazine
'Fille Forte'. That being said, her
thoughts do not necessarily reflect
those of myself.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Professor Sanee resides in Italy
and teaches the course 'the
Ethics of Humour' at I.M.A.
She's also author of the book,
"Why Isn't Anyone Laughing?"



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Charles Winthrop is a Washington
state writer & D.J. His interests
include music (both modern and
classical) and is a fine art connoisseur.
His articles have appeared in various
magazines including, 'Art Beautiful',
'Music of the Renaissance', and 'The Walla Walla Whistler'.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Mary is a 50 year old cancer survivor
and music lover. She blogs about music
artists and the stories behind the music.
You can find her at:
Jingle Jangle Jungle

G is for Guest Blogging

R.a.n.t. of day 04/08/15

Believe it or not, J.A.Scott is not the first blog I've written for. There is actually a history of how my blog got to where it is now. I mention this because for a time I was writing for two other blogs. One was 'Doctor Who' themed and the other a 'Biggest Loser' theme. Early in 2012 I was invited to guest blog for a friend who wrote for an online Philadelphia newspaper called PhillyBurbs. She also wrote Biggest Loser articles and had a feature called, "Tweets of the Week". The point of the article was to scan twitter for various comments on the current weeks episode of 'Biggest Loser' and chose the ones which best illustrated how the general populace viewed the particular episode. Then snarky replies were provided for the benefit and humour of those reading the article. Jennifer Weilgus, the writer, has a sarcastic wit, much like mine, so I seemed to be the perfect fit. It was a big thrill when she asked if I'd be willing to substitute for her. Though the article on the site has disappeared, I saved a copy of the article I wrote to my own blog. You can find it HERE.

Three years later and I've never guest blogged again, though I wouldn't mind it. Till then, I still love to host my own guest bloggers. I produced an anniversary article two years ago where I invited others to guest blog on one collaborative article. They were each given a small paragraph to write on a specific topic. I.E. Business, Food, Sports or Current affairs. You can find that article HERE. Only one of those guest bloggers has continued to do additional guest work for me. Since then, I've acquired two more who are willing to help out from time to time. Sure, I could skip a week when something comes up in my life and have no time to write. But I hate seeing gaps on my blog, times where nothing is being written. And to be honest, I sometimes make-believe they are staff; hired help. No, they don't get paid. Their reward is knowing something they wrote is being shared on my blog, and I always give them credit. Which to be fair, is all the reward I ever wanted when I guest blogged, once upon a time.

Some questions for discussion:
Would you ever be willing to guest blog?
Have you ever hosted a guest blogger?
Do you believe guest blogging is a good thing or bad thing? Why?



My current 'staff' writers are featured below.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jenni Long is a writer and editor
of the Canadian children's magazine
'Fille Forte'. That being said, her
thoughts do not necessarily reflect
those of myself.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Professor Sanee resides in Italy
and teaches the course 'the
Ethics of Humour' at I.M.A.
She's also author of the book,
"Why Isn't Anyone Laughing?"



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Charles Winthrop is a Washington
state writer & D.J. His interests
include music (both modern and
classical) and is a fine art connoisseur.
His articles have appeared in various
magazines including, 'Art Beautiful',
'Music of the Renaissance', and 'The Walla Walla Whistler'.

F is for Friends

R.a.n.t. of day 04/07/15

F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me. N is for any where, any time at all. Right? Okay, so that spells FUN. But the word friend is right in the phraseology. Look. This truly is an accurate description of what friends are. Someone who will do anything at any time with you, and have fun doing it. It doesn't matter the distance or the last time you did something, they are always there for you. Note: There is a distinction between any where, at any time and every where, at every time. So it's good to have friends. What is there to complain about? Why write a r.a.n.t. about friends?

The problem is, sometimes F is for fire that burns down the whole town, U is for Uranium bombs, N is for No survivors. Oddly, sometimes friends start living by this credo. Everything is drama with them, there is always someone they are burning down and no one is saved from their wrath. It can be daunting. These are the same friends who suddenly, and sometimes for no discernible reason, are no longer your friends. I call these Forgotten Friends. As if they forgot they were your friend. It's an odd phenomenon. Suddenly they are no longer there for you. Texts can go unanswered, phone messages will be ignored. A friend of mine recently returned a text I sent them with, "Who is this?" Did they forget who I was? I was shocked. Did they delete my contact? And why did they do so? I replied, "Sorry, I must have the wrong number". I assumed if they were just joking they would let me know, but I never received a text back. I later learned they were indeed joking. Two weeks later! Wow, that makes you feel special. I have a hard time understanding this. I might need help trying to figure this one out.

So, as a special treat today, I decided to call in my good friend Professor Sanee. For those unaware, she is the J.A.Scott Blog resident psychologist and humour expert. Below is a transcript of our Skype chat from last night.


Jeffrey Scott: Good evening Professor.

Professor Sanee: Good evening Mr. Scott.

JS: Tomorrow I'm preparing an article about friendships and how the loss of one can happen. I'd like to get your thoughts.

PS: Yes, I got your email. I've boiled it down to three main reasons. The first is no communication.

JS: Isn't no communication the result of a loss of friendship? (I was actually trying to make a joke).

PS: It would be more precise to say communication has failed completely with the loss of a friendship. But the loss of a friend starts with poor communication. For whatever reason, two friends sometimes talk less and less with each other. The reason for this can be one of two things. The first is misunderstanding.

JS: Who is that?

PS: Who is who?

JS: Miss Understanding. (I laugh at my own joke. She is not amused. For someone with a degree in humour, she sometimes seems like she has no sense of one.)

PS: Not Miss Understanding. Misunderstanding.

JS: Sorry, I misunderstood you.

PS: Did you want me to continue? We can tell each other jokes for the hour if you'd prefer. I know a great one about a deaf horse and a man in a gorilla suit.

JS: Sorry, please continue.

PS: As we've just demonstrated, sometimes misunderstandings occur. Usually, they are pretty small and petty, but sometimes it not or gets blown out of proportion. Unfortunately, ego's get involved and even if one person is ready to be forgiving, some times both are not. If one friend is unable or unwilling to forgive another for a past discretion, the relationship is tarnished. This results in poor communication, resulting in the loss of a friend.

JS: So what's the second reason for a loss of communication?

PS: Change my dear. People change over time. What is first important in a relationship at a young age, is not always important years later. If you find you and your friend are have less and less in common, you talk less and less. And that leads to....

JS: Poor communication?

PS: Correct. Resulting in?

JS: The loss of a friend.

PS: Now you've got it. So those are the three main reasons I've discovered for the loss of a friend. Change of interests, misunderstanding and poor communication.

JS: Well, I appreciate you taking the time to discuss this matter with me. It's always good to get a professional opinion once in awhile.

PS: I'm always willing to help. Will that be all?

JS: Yes, I think so. Thanks again.

PS: I'll bill you at the standard rate for our usual sessions.

JS: Oh, I thought this one was gratis.

PS: See what I mean? Poor communication. Arrivederci

She signs off Skype and I'm left wondering if she's joking or not. With Professor Sanee, you never know.

Some questions for discussion:
Have you ever lost a friend for some unexplained reason?
Ever have a humorous miscommunication happen?
Do you use Skype or something similar to chat with friends, family or colleagues?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Professor Sanee resides in Italy
and teaches the course 'the
Ethics of Humour' at I.M.A.
She's also author of the book,
"Why Isn't Anyone Laughing?"

The Impossible Girl

R.a.n.t. of week 07/13/14

Like last month, using another guest blogger this month. Professor Sanee has provided this months edition. Thanks for your patience and understanding.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When a situation is presented to most people, it is either greatly accepted or looked at apprehensively. Those taken to apprehension have various views on the situation presented. Either it's not accepted because it's out of their comfort zone, or they view it as something rather difficult. Either difficult to believe, or difficult to accomplish. "It's impossible", they may call out. But what is impossibility? Alice (in Wonderland) was encouraged to believe impossible things. And yet, is something impossible, truly impossible? Look at a few of the things Alice found impossible to believe in. A cat who disappeared leaving only a cheesy grin, a bottle of mysterious fluid that allowed her to shrink in size, and a deck of playing cards following the orders of a tyrannical Queen who seemingly wanted to see everyone without a head. And all this before breakfast. So how capable would you be to accept any of these impossible scenarios? And are they really impossible?

To illustrate, let's journey back a couple hundred years. On our trip, we will bring a set of walkie talkies a flash-light and a digital camera. Before showing any of these items to any of the locals, we will describe each item. To which, they will declare them to be impossible. How can one cause a beam of light to shoot from one's hands? Or listen to a person from a mile away, as though they were standing right next to you? Or hold the perfect image of someone in an instant, within the palm of your hand. That's impossible! And then when you show them the items, they may gradually learn to accept them as possible. If they don't burn you for witch-craft.

So maybe not all situations presented to us are as impossible as we feel they are. I know there are several things to which I consider impossible, that I'd like to at least hope are just illusions of impossibility. What about you? Is there anything that others claim to be impossible, that you consider within the realm of possibility? And for the record, no, I don't believe the situations in Alice in Wonderland are possible. They are quite impossible.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Professor Sanee resides in Italy
and teaches the course 'the
Ethics of Humour' at I.M.A.
She's also author of the book,
"Why Isn't Anyone Laughing?"

Leave the Despising To Us

R.a.n.t. for week of 01/19/14

I've decided to take another week off so Professor Sanee can continue her travel horror story. Reflecting on this story, I recall my own travel horror story. It happened in Mexico. Perhaps I'll relate that next week if anyone would like to hear it. But I digress, Professor Sanee you have the conn.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[WARNING] Those of you who have not read last weeks r.a.n.t. should, as this is a continuation. You can find it HERE.

Chapter seven of my book is titled, 'Frustration, Crying, Laughter'. In this chapter I try to help people stay positive despite the many perils they may be facing. The emotions one feels typically starts in frustration, then moves to crying and finally, later, laughter. Realistically, rage is one of the feelings too but the book tries to remain positive and I gloss over those feelings. Maybe I shouldn't have done so, because suddenly rage was all I was feeling. If you recall from last week, I left off relating how the Greyhound bus departed from New York City when I began to fall asleep. Let's pick up where I left off.

When I woke up, the bus was stopped in Newark, NJ. It seems after I fell asleep, the bus stopped to pick up a few people and let more get on. That was when they discovered the bus was unable to continue it's journey. For whatever reason, the door was jammed. It was not closing and "safety regulations required the door to be closed at all times while in operation", as I was told. This resulted in another forced layover. The time was now six-thirty. In the span of 3 hours, I had travelled exactly 30 miles! I began to wonder if taking the bus was the wisest choice.

'Joyce II' was not much friendlier than her predecessor. Reissuing new tickets for a bus load of wayward and cranky passengers most likely didn't help her demeanour. "Final destination", she yelled at me. Mr. Smiley was behind me listening in. "Cleveland", I said quietly. "WHAT?" she yelled at me. "Cleveland" I said leaning in. I gave her my previous ticket, hoping that would clear everything up. "You're gonna have to speak up!" she growled back. I again showed her the ticket which she snatched out of my hand and placed it on a pile of papers, she repeated the question. "Final destination!" I tried to explain she could take the information off the ticket I just handed her, but she replied with this nugget of gold, "Who do you think you're talking to! I happen to work here, and I know how to do my job. Final destination!" Reluctantly I told her it was Cleveland, loud enough for her, Mr. Smiley, or anyone else that wanted to know my information. Then the fun started because now she wanted my credit card and I.D. to confirm the previous ticket POS. I had an enjoyable 20 minute discussion with her about my credit card being missing and how easy it would be for her to confirm everything using my passport as reference. People started grumbling behind me, and I'm assuming that can be the only reason she finally gave in and printed out my replacement ticket for the bus which was now leaving at 10:00pm.

I spent the next few hours, crabby, tired, hungry and miserable. How I longed for the warmth and comfort of a cozy bed. I wanted to take my shoes off, but dared not. A few of the bus terminal transients were playing a game called 'name the stain on the floor'. I wanted to take my bra off, but dared not. I knew if I had it would only be a matter of time before I used said bra to strangle someone. Could I ever be that upset? Would I want to risk spending the night in jail? I wonder if prisons in America have nice cozy beds. Probably not. A few hours of waiting and my stomach was growling. I hadn't eaten since the morning. Mr. Smiley came over and offered me a sandwich he bought from the vending machine. He obviously had heard I was out of currency. Reluctantly I snatched the proffered sandwich and choked it down as he proceeded to sit down next to me. Five minutes later he was snoring loudly and slowly leaning closer and closer to my shoulder. That was the time I decided to NOT use the restroom. A second upon entering the toilet, I knew it was a mistake. It smelled worse than Mr. Smiley, there was no tissue, and a spider had decided the back of the tank was a great place to make it's home. No thank you!

Around 10:00 we were allowed onto the bus which I hoped was non-stop to Cleveland. Yes, I know the ticket said it was supposed to be, but I had a hard time taking anything for face value during this trip. As we were lining up, I noticed Mr. Smiley was still snoring loudly. Relief overtook me as I realized he would not be on this bus, his own idiocy would have cost him that. Standing in line, I was ecstatic knowing I would be close to the front. The seedier, degenerate people always tend to sit in the back. I was not one of those people, I was a fine upstanding individual. And yet, suddenly I felt very ashamed. Getting out of line, I walked back to Mr. Smiley and nudged him. He wiped the sleep out of his eyes as I told him the bus was boarding. I quickly took my place in queue while others were still collecting themselves. I sill managed to get a seat close to the front, Mr. Smiley went directly in back. No doubt to sleep more or drink more, I cared not which. One of the last to get on the bus was this rather obnoxious and portly women who refused to sit in the back of the bus, despite those being the only seats available. This was a crowded bus and no other seats in the front were available. Even the carry-ons and laptops had been stowed. I had a young Asian girl sitting next to me, I think she said her name was Kira. She looked scared, terrified and I wasn't even sure if she spoke English. The large women certainly scared the little girl as she continued bellowing out choice colourful metaphors. Eventually, someone relented and went to sit in the back with Mr. Smiley. I wish this rotund women had read chapter four of my book, 'Swearing and Cussing May Get You to the Front of the Plane, But it Won't Make You Any Friends'.

A few hours later, we arrived in Milesburg PA to refuel. I had learned from Kira she was having a traumatic experience of her own. She did speak English but had only been in the country a few years and this was her first trip travelling via bus. Like me, probably her last as well. As the bus took off again, we continued our conversation. Suddenly from the back of the bus, I heard what almost sounded like someone trying to stifle a cough. A few seconds later I was certain it wasn't a cough they were trying to hold in, but their 'lunch'. I'll give you just one guess who suddenly lost all control and vomited explosively. Gasps and shrieks awoke anyone who dared miss the adventure, the bus driver pretended not to notice. Kira turned to look and I suggested she not do so, explaining the man was probably sick. I knew better though. Kind of wish I had this guys address so I could send him my book and make him read chapter nine, "Laughter is the Best Medicine, But Your Doctor Won't Prescribe It For You'.

With the dawning of the sun, my horror story was drawing to a close. We were supposed to have arrived in Cleveland around 4AM, but we had a "quick" stop (45 minutes really) to a way-station so the back of the bus could be cleaned as best as possible. Any liquor Mr. Smiley had was confiscated. I'd like to think Kira still thought he was just 'sick', but I'm sure she knew better. Finally, my trip was over, but I felt bad for Kira. She was continuing her journey, as was Mr. Smiley. She showed me her ticket, her next transfers were Chicago, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Worthington, then finally South Dakota. The poor sweet child, she'd be travelling for almost another 24 hours. I felt bad for her and gave her my direct phone number. I Told her to call me if she needed anything. As I departed, I again noticed Mr. Smiley snoring away. No, I didn't nudge him this time. I had a hot shower and a change of clothes calling me.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Professor Sanee resides in Italy
and teaches the course 'the
Ethics of Humour' at I.M.A.
She's also author of the book,
"Why Isn't Anyone Laughing?"

No-Go Greyhound

R.a.n.t. of week 01/12/14

Nothing to rant about this week. Well, nothing I haven't already ranted about 'ad nauseam'. So I've decided to take a break for a few weeks. But don't worry, I've got something very interesting to read to fill the time. My good 'friend' Professor Sanee was kind enough to fill in with a tale of the greyhound. A true horror story if you ever heard one.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Thank you for the space Jeffery. As you know, I'm in America doing a book tour for my recently published, "Why Isn't Anyone Laughing". After this tale, you'll certainly see why I'm not the one whom is laughing. It started last week when New York was hit with that terrible snow storm. I was supposed to be in Cleveland the next day for a book signing, but unfortunately the airport had cancelled my flight and looked like all flights were cancelled until further notice. As the snow was supposed to fall well into the next day, I quickly realized I had to either cancel my book signing or seek other arrangements. As I'm only in America for a couple of weeks, I opted to look for other arrangements. Car rentals were uncooperative, though I find it hard to fault them considering the weather. I was informed the only company likely to be operating at the time was the Greyhound bus lines. Reluctantly, I consulted their website.

Ten minutes later, I was in a taxi heading to the Greyhound Bus Depot, inconveniently located about twenty minutes away. We had gone a few blocks when the driver decided it was a good idea to stop for petrol. You'd think these things would be topped off between fares. When he had finished, he started driving then turned into a 7-11. I don't mean he physically turned into a 7-11, the taxi pulled into a 7-11. Apparently the cabbie thought we were taking a leisurely jaunt and was heading in to acquire provisions. The women inside me wanted to scream at him to get back in the taxi, my bus was scheduled to leave at 2:30, so I had little time for side trips. But I kept my cool and remembered the first chapter of my book, 'Pleasantries Will Get You Somewhere'. Essentially, people respond more favourably to a kinder word, than ranting and raving. Despite my anger, I jokingly replied, "Have any dry cleaning you need to pick up on the way"?

In retrospect, perhaps it sounded more sarcastic than anything else, because the rest of the trip seemed to take forever. Was he taking the longest route possible? Thirty-five minutes later I was in the bus depot when I discovered my bus was delayed. The bus scheduled to depart hadn't arrived yet. Joyce, the lady at the ticket counter, shrugged her shoulders when I told her my situation and said the bus "will get here when it gets here". Chapter 11 of my book is titled, 'Laughter Isn't Communication', and indeed neither is shrugging one's shoulders. In the chapter, I describe the best way to avoid escalated verbal onslaughts by being calm and collected. However Joyce was really pushing my buttons by her complacency. Still, she must see this type of thing every day, so I did my best to forgive her blank stares. I didn't try a feeble joke this time.

An hour and a half later, an announcement was made for those of us holding tickets for the 3:35 departure. It seems the bus was cancelled all-together and we had to get new tickets for a 5:45 departure. A minor inconvenience typically, except for the fact I suddenly could not find my pocketbook. I couldn't even recall when I had used it last. Either it was buried in my luggage, lost forever in my bottomless purse, or I had been pick-pocketed. Fortunately, I keep my passport secured around my neck at all times. It was fun trying to inform Joyce a passport is a valid form of identification. Sometimes Americans frighten me. Again, remaining focused worked to my advantage. As stressful as this situation had been so far, at least two good things happened. One: I was finally on a bus heading to Cleveland. Second: I recalled chapter three of my book, 'Laughing at a Change in Circumstance'. No matter what life throws at you, unless it's truly traumatic, you can find some way to look back on the event and laugh. I claim this as a good point because I then decided to keep notes of this travel and use it as source material for a future publication.

With all the complications, I was the last to board the bus. I searched for an empty seat but found it to be more difficult than finding a pin in a pile needles. Any available seat that should have been open was being used by selfish people for carry-on bags and laptops. Finally, I found a seat in the rear of the bus across from 'Mr. Smiley'. Mr. Smiley smelled of piss and vodka and winked at me as I sat down. It seems he incorrectly assumed he was 'my type'. "Are you married?", "Where you headed?", "Did you say you were married?", "Do you have any tattoos?", "You're married, right?" and "Want a swig?", were a few of the questions thrown in my direction. I tried to politely avoid his questions as best as possible till I could take it no more and informed him that I was on my way home from a business trip to see my husband and two children whom I 'loved and missed' very much. His interrogation stopped shortly after, which was great because I was very drowsy and wanted to sleep the entire rest of the journey.

Sweet slumber overtook me, but it was far from restless. I dreamt I was on the bus, naturally enough, but noticed we were going in the wrong direction. I kept seeing signs pointing towards Ohio, but the bus always took the opposite direction. Suddenly I'm seeing signs for Niagara Falls, Hamilton and then Toronto. I start to freak out because instead of going to Cleveland, we're going to Canada! I tried to make my way to the front of the bus but Mr. Smiley is blocking the way with two flasks. He keeps trying to give me one. Somehow I manage my way around him and yell at the bus driver he's going the wrong way. He calmly tells me the bus has to go to Canada because the door is jammed. That's when I woke up to a realistic horror.

To be continued:

Next Week - Professor Sanee continues her travel horror story.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Professor Sanee resides in Italy
and teaches the course 'the
Ethics of Humour' at I.M.A.
She's also author of the book,
"Why Isn't Anyone Laughing?"

Insomnia

R.a.n.t. of week 12/22/13

It's 2:00 AM and unlike the rest of the city, you are wide awake. The sheep have run off, you are out of warm milk and suddenly you notice how loud the bathroom tap drips. I've had this problem the past few nights. There always seems to be some other reason why I can't fall asleep. Either I've had too much coffee in the day (okay, my own fault), or my back is hurting (I may need a new bed), or there is too much on my mind. Trust me, with two teen-age kids in the house, there is a LOT to worry about. So, what's a person to do? I posed this question earlier today and came up with a few suggestions which I'll post in a bit, but first, you may wonder what ways I have found to combat this sort of malady.

Find something to pass the time. In January of this year, I discussed the benefits of Facebook. Certainly, Facebook isn't for everyone, but it has it's uses when one is bored, or needs to find something tiring to do. Spend a few minutes on one of the Facebook games and you'll be sure to start sawing logs soon enough. Not a fan of playing games online? There is always the option of scrolling Facebook and replying to updates others have left. Or peruse the many photos and articles your friends have shared with everyone.
Click HERE to recall this rant.

Do a bit of studying. March was when I seriously started dedicating myself to learning a foreign language. So lately my evenings have been spend practising reading the Karen Sgaw language which is written in a different script than what most Westerners are used to. By the time I'm done with a full page, I'm yawning and getting restless. Perhaps doing something like learning a foreign language may be the thing to do when you are sitting wide awake early in the morning. At least it's a consideration.
Click HERE to recall this rant.

Facebooking and learning something new not your style? Perhaps you can spend the wee hours preparing grocery lists and making sure you have all items needed for whatever intended recipe you plan to prepare for the week. I just ask one simple favour. How about finding a recipe or two that does not include cooking vegetables? In April I was relating how much I hated onions, really cooking vegetables in general, but most specifically onions. Go on, give it a try. It's early morning, you are battling insomnia, certainly you can be creative enough to devise some type of dish that does not require nasty onions or fungus? If you are unsure how your cooking will be without the use of such items, I'll happily come along and sample for you.
Click HERE to recall this rant.

Sometimes when I'm awake at night I use music to change my mood. Soft music can do wonders for a restless spirit. My particular favourite type of music when trying to fall asleep is soothing jazz, classical, or even light contemporary. The problem with light contemporary, though, at times radio stations play music with a faster beat to it, which really doesn't lull one to sleep. More often, it tends to make a person want to get up and dance. One such song I heard played on a soft rock station on evening in June dealt with the year 1985. True, I've always been pre-occupied with that very year so I took a liking to it. So much in fact, I mocked it in one of my weekly rants. Essentially I took each line of the song and moulding it to fit my own particular lifestyle.
Click HERE to recall this rant.

One of the last things I can suggest is a light snack to help the body along it's journey towards slumber. I'm not talking about running to Taco Bell or throwing a pizza in the oven. After all the fuss of running around outside or in the kitchen, you'll be more likely to keep awake instead of falling back to sleep. Go with something simple, a piece of cheese, a chicken leg, maybe even a balogna sandwich. Something simple and easy you can enjoy all to yourself. Speaking of dining alone, I talked about this very subject back in September. Granted, it was more about dining out alone at restaurants, but I think the point is taken. Sometimes it's good to dine alone, sometimes - not.
Click HERE to recall this rant.

Finally, the last thing I've found to do when I'm wide awake, is utilize the quiet time to get some writing done. Like a few of the suggestions given above, I know this isn't for everyone, but it does work for me and I know a few other people this works for too. Jenni, one of my literary friends, has expressed to me how insomnia is even a blessing for her when she's trying to get an article finished for her magazine. As for Jenni, she came in handy several weeks ago in November when I decided to write a blog article on Ghost-writing. I secretly had her write the intro for my rant of the week, though I revealed it was her writing it, in the next paragraph. So what about you?
Click HERE to recall this rant.


What do you find to do when suffering insomnia? Do you or will you utilize one of the suggestions above? Or maybe you have something else that helps. As mentioned before, here are a few suggestions from what other people this morning said about the topic.

Terry - I've memorized all 66 books of the bible... I go over them in order in my head and that helps.

Courtney - I just got this really good idea for a great story...at 1:57am and has kept me up, now 3:09am.

Mondo - When I start to get some good sleep, a co-worker would start spraying me with water.

Jenni Long - I go over Jeffrey's blog and count all the errors and typos.

Professor Sanee - When I can't sleep, I go out for a drive.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jenni Long is a writer and editor
of the Canadian children's magazine
'Fille Forte'. That being said, her
thoughts do not necessarily reflect
those of myself.
____________________________________________ 

Professor Sanee resides in Italy and
teaches the course 'the Ethics of
Humour' at I.M.A. She's also author of
the book, "Why Isn't Anyone Laughing?"

A Serious Chat on Humour

R.a.n.t. of week 10/06/13

Time heals all wounds.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Laughter is the best medicine.

Of these three time honoured medical sayings, which do you think is the most important to me? If you say the prevention one, you don't know me very well. If you say the time healing one, you are getting closer. It's time related and I love a good science fiction story. But today I'll be looking at the laughter one. Why? Because if you know me, even a little, you'll know what a comedian I try to be. In essence, to lighten a darker mood. But this week, I won't be doing it alone. In a 'Jeffrey Scott' blog first, I've sought the help of a well known and respected Professor. Professor Sanee is from Italy and teaches a course in 'the Ethics of Humour' at I.M.A. and is author of the best selling book, "Why Isn't Anyone Laughing?"

Below is the transcript from my Skype chat with Professor Sanee:

JS - Professor Sanee, thank you for joining me today. I appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to help discuss this urgent and vital manner.
[I used air quotes when saying urgent and vital.]

Professor Sanee - Hello? Is this thing on? Hello? Can you hear me?

JS - I can hear you. Can you hear me?

Professor Sanee - Hello? What's going on? I can see you, but I can't hear you.

JS - Do you have it on mute? [Duh, why did I just ask that. She probably can't even hear me.]* Press the mute button, you have probably have the computer on mute.
* - Admittedly, I could have deleted this bit from the conversation. But decided to keep it in as the completest that I am.

Professor Sanee - What? Are you trying to tell me something?

JS - Look at the keyboard. Look where I'm pointing. On your keyboard. Look for a mute button. Do you have one? Do you even know what I'm saying?

Professor Sanee - I'm going to press a few buttons at random and see what happens.....
Oh! I can hear you now. I had this on mute. Silly me.

JS - Oddly enough, sort of a funny way to open up the subject matter at hand.

Professor Sanee - Thank you for seeking my help Doctor Scott. You did say you were a Doctor, correct? Anyway, I'm honoured you have sought me out. So let's get cracking. Time is money.

JS - Professionally stated. So Professor, you are known for promoting humour as a 'cure' of sorts. So the first question is: They say laughter is the best medicine. Is this what you believe this?

Professor Sanee - Laughter can sometimes soften the hardest blows life whacks you with, but is it the "best medicine"? No. I don’t think so. Just ask your neighbourhood therapist about this. Their recommendation is Zanax... pink or white. Take your pick. I’ve tried both remedies, the pills I mean. But before you pay me, let me ask you. Do you find the best medicine is humour and if so what kind would you prescribe?

JS - Pay? Eh, never mind. We'll get back to that. However, I see your point that laughter truly 'isn't' the BEST medicine. But like you say. It softens the blow. Certainly for the joker if not for anyone else. But keeping that in mind do you feel it's important to have a sense of humour? Why?

Professor Sanee - Yes, humour in the sense of the word means to be in an amusing state of mind, unless of course you are out of humour, in a bad mood. Then, nothing is humorous. A person, however, with a good sense of humour creates it. That person has the ability to sense when something is funny and react, unless of course you have a dry sense of humour, which requires a trip to your local off-license shop. Which reminds me.......
[Professor Sanee disappears for a minute and returns with a glass of wine]
So my counter question to you is, do you think it is sensible to have a sense of humour and why?

JS - Do you mean in the medical field, or in general?

Professor Sanee - General Who? This isn't a military debate. Kidding, yes of course. I mean in general.

JS - Oh, you had me there for a second. Odd to be on the other end of that. But I can laugh at that because I thought it was funny. I see what you did there. As you said, you saw an opportunity to be funny and you used it. Yes, of course having a sense of humour is essential. The way I see it. If you can't laugh at yourself, someone else will.
[Professor Sanee laughs]
If you can laugh at yourself, things don't seem to trouble you as much. If a newspaper is delivered to my house and it lands in a puddle of water. Will I be mad? Probably. But I can then grumble and complain about the idiot paper-boy or joke about what a good aim he is. Sometimes it's all a matter of perspective. But some times people feel those of us who like to joke, take things too far. I've always thought that, to some degree, about practical jokes. What are your thoughts on practical jokes?

Professor Sanee - I can see the word practical used in a sentence such as, 'I needed a practical hairstyle for work.' or 'I need a practical car to get me there,' but find no logic in the usage of the word practical when it comes to joking. Is it practical to scare the living bahgeebees out people? The victim of a practical joke never sees it coming. The impractical person plotting a practical joke seems incapable of making a sensible decision when plotting and planning to carry their victory. So in answer to your question and for all practical purposes, I don’t find this practical at all. Do you think you can come up with a practical solution to this problem Dr. Scott? I don’t think so.

JS - I actually think there is some validity to practical jokes. The problem is, there is a line that shouldn't be crossed. And maybe that's why you don't like practical jokes. So at what point do you think a practical joke has crossed the line, and can you possibly see one being acceptable?

Professor Sanee - Coming up with firm guidelines over what is acceptable, or what crossed the line is a question that the Masters have pondered over for centuries. Like yourself, Dr. Scott, I’m sure you have spent sleepless hours meditating on this very subject. A simple direct answer to your question cannot be calculated immediately. First, one needs to be presented with the practical joke. Scientifically I would need to examine it very carefully. When I begin to connect my thoughts to the mind of the joker I could only then conclude whether the practicality of the joke was either to cause fear, fright or humour. This argument is still out for debate. However, after years of research on this subject I must conclude that line crossers have the inability to be unimaginative and do things that are totally annoying. I think it is perfectly legal to smack line crossers because they are dumb, stupid, and immature.

JS - I guess you've probably answered my next question then. Obviously the answer is no.

Professor Sanee - What was the question?

JS - Have you ever played a practical joke on someone?

Professor Sanee - Yes, believe it or not, I have. I played dead once. The family went hysterical. They got angry when I told them I really wasn’t dead. I learned a lesson that day that it was more practical to stick around and have them all laughing to their graves. But since you seem to enjoy practical jokes so much, let me ask you. Has anyone ever played a practical joke on you? Was it funny? How did you feel?

JS - Yes, practical jokes have been played on me from time to time. I think playing dead is more of a practical joke where a line has been crossed. Mostly because it's playing with a persons deep emotions. But I've had jokes played on me at various times. I recall when I was younger a friend gave me a piece of hard candy which I really enjoyed until a few layers were sucked off and found the middle was fish flavoured. Holy Mackerel! That was awful. I spit it out right then and there and ran for the drinking fountain. I had the nasty taste of fish in my mouth for hours. Another time I was on a road trip and had fallen asleep. At some point during my slumber, one of my friends thought it would be a good idea to pretend we were getting into an accident and started screaming. I was really offended with him for that. To be honest, I was offended at the offenders in each joke. But the point is, I was only upset for a bit and anger wears away to humour if you indeed have a good sense of humour. I look back on those jokes now with fondness and laugh. In neither instance were they trying to physically or emotionally scar me for life. It was a joke, and ultimately I took it as such. Hmmmm, I hadn't thought about either incident for a long time.

Sanee - I think we've made a break through here.

JS - Wait, have you been trying to psychoanalyse me?

Sanee - It's all a part of the session you ordered. Now where do I send the bill?

Unfortunately, the Skype chat unexpectedly terminated. I guess the joke was on Professor Sanee.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Professor Sanee resides in Italy
and teaches the course 'the
Ethics of Humour' at I.M.A.
She's also author of the book,
"Why Isn't Anyone Laughing?"

Egg Terrorists

R.a.n.t. of week 06/30/13

Believe it or not, there are some weeks I find nothing to complain about. Maybe that's not entirely true, let me correct myself. Believe it or not, there are some weeks I find nothing NEW to complain about. Idiot drivers, inconsiderate people, dumb things in life I can't control or egg terrorists. Wait, I've never complained about egg terrorists before. As this has never happened to me, I've never found a reason to. Fortunately, this HAS happened to a guest contributor, who shall now relate her experience. Did I say fortunate? Fortunate for me, less fortunate for her.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

There are many things in life I can tolerate. I usually can dodge any curve ball thrown. It’s during those unexpected moments I may find myself in that I usually can figure out my next moves. Even if I don’t, I can usually wiggle my way gracefully out of the situation. People can even hit me with their best shots anytime because I’ve learned through my experiences in life to toughen up. I’ve learned what people say to hurt me doesn’t really matter anyway so I can usually let their words go in one ear and out the other.

There is something, however, that really irks the daylights out of me. It is the curve ball thrown at me/my property in the form of an egg. An egg you wonder? Yes, an egg. I find it quite peculiar that there are people in this world that find it funny to say the least to plot, plan and finally to attack your windows with eggs. I call them the Egg Terrorists. I’m going to try to put myself in the mind of one. The attacker likely comes with a motive. During the day he scans the neighborhood looking for the best home to hit. The attackers mind set, I truly believe is first and foremost, to scare the life out of someone. When the egg terrorists attack they put their victim in shock. The victim of the egg attacker never knows until they see the yellow slimy substance of the egg dripping down from their windows. They ask, “Was it an owl, a rock, or Superman?” Personally I would take the later any time. The egg on the other hand that flew into your window was hurled there by a simple minded individual that likely has an egg for a brain. This fool wasted his money on something perfectly fine to eat, that could have been prepared in a variety of forms I may add. I can see that idiot now standing at the cash register…smirking and thinking… “I have the weapons in hand….hahahahahaha…” Looking to the left and the right with his squinty eyes, he glances, hoping nobody there knows that those eggs he just bought were not for an omelet the next morning but for his premeditated juvenile behavior…egg throwing! Placing them neatly in a carry out bag…I can see him glancing though each and every one of those eggs, hoping to find the best of the best to throw at the windows of his unsuspecting victims…Ahhh…he finds the one he saw during the day. Before throwing the egg, he examines it carefully. “Yes” he says to himself, “This is the one!”Lurking in the darkness, he finds the home with the largest windows in the neighborhood and makes his move. He slithers up on the grass like a cunning snake, peers into the window and gages his exact distance that will cause the most harm and mess to the window. Suddenly,…bam…boom…splash! The Egg Terrorist strikes again.

His mission is accomplished. The damage is done. The perfectly good egg was hurled into space like a satellite being controlled by that simple minded egg pitcher. His gauging was correct. The egg, hurled by the egg head terrorist, made its way perfectly to the window he was hoping to hit. I often wonder if the Egg Terrorist wears a costume of sorts when he goes out at night bearing the initials ET…however he could be afraid of copy write infringement. Now, as he runs and laughs, he leaves behind the product of his foolish behavior. The window is left with the egg damage, but the owner of the property is left standing in complete disarray over the foolishness of such behavior. The owner is left with a giant task at midnight to hose down the eggs and in the morning spend precious time cleaning egg shells out of the corners of the window pane. The Egg Terrorists are not really considered to be on the top priority of a 911 call. After all no “real” damage was done to property they say. Really?

So my R.A.N.T is that food in any sort, shape or form is not meant to be hurled at anything except a plate and in a mouth. Eggs are one of the food items that are on the top of my list as being the silliest things to waste along with the toilet paper and balloons, whose attackers by the way think that it is funny to drape toilet paper around a tree or to hit a person smack dab in the face with a balloon filled with water.

So, Egg Terrorist if you are reading this…take note that I have some people in some pretty high places that will find you. When they do, and they will find you…and take note, my sorry little absent minded fellow, that my mission is to tie you up and put you against the wall as I throw darts at you. And I may add…Possibly doing this blindfolded. HAHAHAHAHAHA

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Professor Sanee resides in Italy
and teaches the course 'the
Ethics of Humour' at I.M.A.
She's also author of the book,
"Why Isn't Anyone Laughing?"