I'm posting this entry from the past.
My bloggers flux capacitor is primed and ready.
Posting this entry now, and should be seen October 21, 2015
The same date Doc Brown and Marty arrive from the past. November 5, 1985
If my calculations are correct. When this post hits 88 comments, you're going to see some serious wit.
R.a.n.t. of week 01/04/15
According to the film, Back To The Future II, 2015 is an exciting time for us. We have a plethora of awesome inventions making our life simpler, cooler and more enjoyable. Take the Black and Decker Food Hydrator. Gone are the days of heating up the oven to 350°, placing a frozen pizza in the oven and waiting twelve minutes. Now we simply place a dehydrated pizza into the hydrator (which is voice activated mind you), tell it to cook at level four and wait a mere twelve seconds before taking the piping hot pizza out, already sliced. The only draw-back of this model is it's not as fast as those new models which can accomplish the same task is just six seconds, but boy oh boy, your mother will sure know how to hydrate a pizza.
Unfortunately, a few days ago, I had a bad experience at Target. When I asked where I might find a food hydrator the sales clerk just laughed at me. So it appears Back to the Future lied to us! All those great inventions they promised us do not actually exist. Whoa! That's heavy! And yes, to all you who are about to point out to me that it's just a movie and I should not get overly excited about all this, I do know that. It's just a bit of fun. If you truly want to be over critical of my blog post, you can make like a tree and get out of here!
Other inventions we won't see in 2015.
Fashion (Part One) Self Adjusting Jacket
This brings new meaning to 'one size fits all'. No more worrying about finding a jacket that fits just right. Every jacket in 2015 will be the perfect fit. This particular one comes with the additional feature of drying itself, so never worry about being caught in the rain. (If that's a problem for you, perhaps you should pay more attention to the weather service.)
Fashion (Part Two) Ties
Gone are the boring days of wearing a single silk tie. Now we can wear two ties at once. Ever have a problem deciding which tie goes best with your suit? Now you don't have to decide, wear both ties. Or in a few rare occasions, you can still wear a single tie, just make sure the tie is invisible, or clear at the very least.
Our list will continue in just a minute. But first...
We are back!
Fashion (Part Three) Nike w/ Power Laces
Never bend over to tie your shoes again. With Power Laces, you simply place your foot in the shoe and the power laces do the job for you. Comfortable and secure shoes are now the norm. Never be fooled that your shoes is untied ever again.
Hover Tech (Part One) Automatic Dog Walker
Back in my day, when we had a dog, we had to take care of it. If the dog wanted to go out, we had to take him, when he went poo, we had to pick it up, when he wanted to be petted, we had to pet it. You kids are spoiled these days. You can have a dog and not have to give it any attention.
Hover Tech (Part Two) Hovercam
On the plus side, hovercams can go where they are needed as quickly as possible. Additionally, they can go to remote areas hard to get at. Having many on stand-by hovering over the city, they can be where the action is almost immediately. Bad news is, Jimmy Olsen is out of a job.
Hover Tech (Part Three) Hover Conversion
Tired of sitting in traffic on the roads? Get a hover conversion and you can sit in traffic in the air. Getting from point A to point B has never been easier, and you can get there as the crow flies. Goldie Wilson III can install an affordable conversion for only $39,999.95. BEWARE! Some con-artists will try to sell you a Hoover Conversion. Mayor Goldie Wilson wanted to clean up this town, but I don't think that was what he had in mind.
Hover Tech (Part Four) Hoverboard
Doing tricks and being slick was never easier. Whether you are using a Mattel, No Tech or Rising Sun brand, you are likely to find the right board for you. Just remember, a hoverboard does not work on water, unless you've got power. For that, I'd suggest the Pit-bull.
Holo Tech (Part One) Holobillboards
Remember back in the day when billboards were just large paper advertisements? Everything had to be written and there was no automatic updates when needed. With holobillboards, we can hear additional information about acquiring hover conversion and how things used to be in the past. Or how about automatic updates when our favourite team wins the World Series! I hear the Milwaukee Brewers are favoured to win in 2016.
Holo Tech (Part Two) Holomax Theater
Why just watch a movie when you can experience it? Holomax theaters make you feel like you are right in the thick of things. In Star Wars XII you can BE the Jedi. Indiana Jones VIII lets you accompany Indy on his perilous journeys. Go head to head with Rocky in Rocky XIII. Want to know what it's like to be eaten by a shark? See Jaws XIX. Be forewarned though, reviews say the shark still looks fake.
We will return to our blog post, but first a word from our sponsor
We now continue the blog post.
Binocular Card
Small enough to fit in your back pocket and advanced enough to zoom in clearly. Utilizing the photographic feature of this binocular card makes it perfect for bird watching. Get it? Bird watching? Well, my friends in the UK will understand.
Bionic Implants
We can rebuild man, we have the technology. Better, stronger, faster. Of course for peak performance, a decent upgrade can cost upwards of six million dollars. Or you can go the bargain basement route. Unfortunately, you get what you pay for and should expect a few short circuits in your bionic implants.
Garden Center
Tired of buying fruits at the super market only to have them go bad in a day or so? Of course not, you have the Garden Center. Fruits grown at home and preserved for just the moment you crave a bunch of grapes, apple or whatever else you decide to plant. No worries about the time it takes, the Garden Center does most of the work for you. Besides, you have extra time, you no longer have to walk the dog.
Master-Cook
Don't know how to cook? Who does? We have Master-Cooks now, so who has to? The Master-Cook is fully stocked with recipes of all sorts, helps with the preparing and cooking as well. Still having problems? Well, you can always hydrate a pizza.
Home Energy Reactor
"Never take the trash out again!" Remember that slogan when Mr. Fusion first came out? That caught every guys attention right away. But it's true, with your own home energy reactor you can turn your garbage into energy. Let the wife nag you all she wants about eating too many bananas and drinking too much beer. You know you are just doing your part to keep your homes energy level maxed out. Tell her to leave you alone and go watch her soaps.
Illuminated Parking
Back in the old days, you had to search hi and low for signs which indicated where you could or could not park. Not so any more. You'd have to be colour blind to get a ticket now. If the curb is blue - there's parking for you. If the curb is red - park up ahead.
Pepsi Perfect
Vitamin enriched soda. My grandfather had to eat cereal if he wanted to get all his daily allowance of vitamins and minerals. Now you can make Pepsi a 'Perfect' part of this complete dinner.
Rejuvenation Clinic
Add years to your life at a rejuvenation clinic. When you get a natural overhaul, you never again have to worry about a botched facelift. Are you looking for something simple like hair repair? We can do that. Or perhaps you need a spleen or colon replaced. Yes, we can do that do. You will feel and look years younger. Just don't spook the kids or animals when you get home with how much more different you'll look.
Once again, we are taking a break to pay our bills.
Welcome back to our blog post.
Scenery Channel
Technology that's really not that futuristic. The biggest problem is finding an actual need. Will watching a display screen over your window convince you you have been transported into a nicer neighbourhood, or one of your favourite locations overseas? Would the cost of the screen and the subscription to the scenery channel make you feel any more relaxed? Certainly the scenery channel repairmen won't. Typically they like to make fun of you and call you a chicken, for whatever reason.
Sleep Inducing Alpha Rhythm Generator
Ugggghhh, my wife hates me! After a hard day of work installing the scenery channel at losers house-holds, she makes me walk the dog, then put the kids to bed. Fortunately my sleep inducing alpha rhythm generator helps knock the kids out in ten seconds flat. Next she'll be asking me to hydrate a pizza as soon as I walk in the door. Oh great! Now she wants to talk about her day. I'll rant later, I need to go charge my sleep inducing alpha rhythm generator. Time for some quiet time. For her or for me, not sure which yet.
Automated Service Stations
Have your windows washed, oil changed, gas filled landing gear checked, all at the same time. Never before in history has going to the service station been any easier. And you never have to get out of your car. Compu-serve comes right to your window where you can pay with just a press of your thumb. Thank you. Please come again.
Thumbprint Technology
Once upon a time, we had to carry an odd assortment of items along with us wherever we went. Keys, credit cards, identification cards, money, so on and so forth. Now all we need is our thumb print. If we want to enter our homes, we just scan our thumb. Finished shopping at the store? Scan your thumb. Start our cars? Scan our thumb. Police need to know who we are if they find us tranked in a back alley somewhere? They can scan our thumb. Historical society badgering us for funds to preserve the clock tower? Just thumb them $100 bucks to shut them up. Transient begging us for money? Hit the road! Just be careful, there are thumb bandits out there. They won't steal your wallet, but they might steal your thumb.
Video Glasses
An essential part of any teenagers life. Video glasses make it easier to cut off the rest of the family and pretend they don't exist, than ever before. If you want to watch a few channels of television in privacy or you just want to chat with a friend or two. Check out our beautiful model displaying her video glasses. All the cool kids have one, and you have to believe that, because it's posted on the internet.
Video Waiter Simulacrum
Remember when Max Headroom was all the rage? No? Well, if you blinked in the 80s then you missed it. Despite that, these Max Headroom inspired video waiters are ready to serve you. Ronald Reagan is anxious to take your order. But watch out, Ayatollah Khomeini wants you to have the 'Hostage Special' and he doesn't care who he has to push out of the way to make sure you get exactly what you want, as long as it's what he wants you to have. A Michael Jackson video waiter is also available and he'll be thrilled to take your order too. Want an egg? He'll Beat It any way you want it. Sorry, was that joke Bad? Don't blame me, It was Billie Jean's fault. Can you fault her? It's only Human Nature. (These jokes just get worse and worse).
Video Phone
Another invention not so far off the mark. Scype anyone? However, a video phone is not exactly a standard feature in most homes, certainly not one that gives off personal details of who you are talking to. Seriously, do we really need to know how many kids our phone acquaintance has? Or their job, or address, or food preferences, or vital statistics or body measurements? No wonder Needles is such a jerk.
Weather Service
More reliable than the postal system, the weather service accurately predicts the weather to the tick. But it not only predicts the weather, it makes the weather. Worried about a coming blizzard? Don't be. All of this moisture coming up out of the Gulf is gonna push off to the east and hit Altoona. Do you remember life before the weather service? We also had to worry about sub-zero temperatures in the Winter. Glad that's not a problem any more.
It's that time of the year again. That's right, I've dusted off and turned on the twitter machine to once again find what other people are r.a.n.t.ing about. You've heard me complain enough in the past, it's time to see what everyone else has been irate over this past month or two while I've been on blog hiatus. Of course, as always, I've added my own thoughts on each topic.
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Tearoze
Ok, I've now concluded my twitter rant on behalf of all good and authentic bloggers. >Sorry I missed it. I must not be a good or authentic blogger. But, I'm just getting started with my rants.
Matt
business not seeing jobs as careers but just temp work >The CEO of McDonald's might disagree with you.
Rosie G.Whey are Mars Bars so much smaller these days? When I was a kid they were so big you had to carry them in a backpack. >"Fun Size" has ruined the world and made it less fun. Of course, you could try the candy bar in the link below.. World's Largest Chocolate Bar
Kate D
The price of tea in China. >Is this a rant about how expensive it is? Or just a statement pointing out that China puts a price on tea?
Crystal Espin
When did it become acceptable for PRs to call you less than 24hrs after sending an email because you haven't responded yet? >I've learned patience is a virtue. However, some people are far too impatient to learn that.
Dani Torres
I can't stand when professor gets behind on grading, like your the one assigning all of this, if you can't keep up with it then stop >Some people need to learn patience. (See above).
Allyson
It's fall. 2 months till winter. Of course it's gonna be cold! Maybe you should wear more clothes and stop complaining. >And just a couple months ago, people were complaining it was too hot. The madness never stops.
Marissa Rebischke
Owning a nice camera doesn't make you a photographer. Much like owning a good set of knives doesn't make you a chef. >Also, standing in a garage doesn't make you a car. And eating gluten free foods doesn't make you trendy. (See last years random r.a.n.t.s).
Fiona Fussi
I HATE castings where models are treated like cattle. Totally disrespectful and humiliating. >The looks I get when I tell someone I went to McDonald's for dinner. Totally disrespectful and humiliating. I wonder if that's ever happened in Her World.
kennedie carlson
We know you're in college. We know you drink beer. No need to snapchat it everyday.. nobody from high school cares if you look cool >Same goes for people and selfies. No need to post what you look like every day. I know what you look like, not cool.
Francesco Pretelli
I cant believe airport wifi is a joke everywhere. >Not a Boingo fan? I don't blame you. You'd think for the price of a ticket, it could be complimentary. Less peanuts, more wifi.
ashley edgar
Not really sure when not caring about things or people became 'cool', but it's not...Care about people, have dreams, and work hard. >Though I agree, I hope you don't care I stole your rant. My dream this week is to not work hard and let others do my job for me.
Kim Brown
It is mind boggling to me how rain affects traffic. Just drive, people! And turn on your headlights. Many forgetful folks, it seems. >Tell me about it. "What is this wet stuff falling from the sky? I better drive like an idiot."
Scott Smith
I hate when I send my friends a text message and they never respond do it. Feels like I'm being ignored.
Stephanie Mertens
If you can drink every weekend but complain you're to broke to do anything else, you should probably reevaluate your life >Maybe step down from drinking Guinness to Pabst? Of course, if you go that route, may as well skip buying the Pabst all together and just turn on the tap water. Tastes about the same.
SLAMMIN
My hands are clammy, my ears are big, I'm a hairy guy and I'm touchy. I've heard them enough. Every now and then a compliment is nice. >I liked your rant so I stole it for my blog. Hope that counts as a compliment. Also never forget you're good enough, you're smart enough, and dog-gonnit people like you!
Jaclyn
The technology of this generation has absolutely destroyed the quality of relationships, friendships and human interaction in general. >Tru dat. I h8 interwebs. B dumbing us all down. But INCYDK I no h8r. C Ya!
Jill Rudison
I absolutely detest doing cardio when the fans are blowing straight down on me. I'm trying to sweat here...grrrrrr >Perhaps the gym thinks it's not cool to sweat, so they turn the fans on as a courtesy? Still, not cool.
Ahna Kate
Absolutely CAN NOT STAND when other parents judge other kids for their actions when they have no clue about their own. >Or worse, when they are trying to tell you how to discipline your kids and they don't even have any.
LaToya C
You want your coffee done right? Go to Starbucks because McDonalds will play with your emotions >Let's not limit our dissatisfaction with McDonald's to just it's coffee, okay?
Martin Ferro-Thomsen
Don't be 15 minutes late for a meeting that you requested. It's more than enough time to decide I don't want to do business with you >Five minutes would do it for me. Unless they came in with coffee. Then I'd be fine with it. Unless it was from McDonald's. (See above).
Andy Welsh
Sydney yeh you have a nice harbour and beaches but shame you get no time to enjoy them because your stuck in traffic all the time. >Maybe they are only meant to be looked at as you drive by?
Kelsie Fitz
You have a bf and you talk to like 7282 different guys and you think you're adorable but really you're annoying. sorry >Talk to 7282 different guys? Are you sure? Haven't I told you a million times to stop exaggerating?
sean
Instead of dropping the "unhealthy" foods from school lunches, why doesn't Michelle just tell kids to take a jog. >Ever try and get a kid to choose between eating an unhealthy food and taking a jog?
Melissa A.R.
Being sick. >This is what happens when you eat unhealthy school food and refuse to go out for a jog. (See above)
Broooooke
I hate when people ask "why are you dressed up"? umm maybe because I wanna look cute for myself and actually be confident for once >To be cute and confident? Or in case you run into Justin Timberlake?
Dave Hale
Pps just need to exercise their manors. It doesn't cost you anything to be polite... That is all.. >I hear Bruce Wayne exercises in his manor. Just don't ask if you can use his gym. That wouldn't be good manners.
linds
just bc someone might have more fat on their body than you doesn't mean they can't be healthier or in better shape >Fair enough, but I've never seen Jabba the Hut win a footrace.
Bacardi Oakheart
I always think rants say more about the person ranting than the thing they're ranting about anyway. >My blog must say volumes about me then.
michael
people...an apostrophe + "s" does not make a plural! >People... they're grammar mistakes using apostraphes is hilarious.
Christina M
Being put on the spot.... >Children are good at doing this. Parents just need to teach their kids basic aspects of decency.
Abdullah
So many little kids these days are spoiled ingrates whose parents couldn't bother to teach them the most basic aspects of decency >Would you rather see the parents smoking in front of their kids? How crazy would that be?
Formula Frank
Seeing a pregnant woman smoking makes me furious. That poor child doesn't have a chance before its even born >People still do this? Thought everyone had moved over to those 'vapor' cigarettes.
superozzie
"Vapor" cigarettes. They still stink. >Not that I disagree with you, but people always find something to complain about. (See below).
enrique29
Derek Jeter haters! >Hating haters. What could be funnier?
Aaron R
Why they put Jarjar Binks into Star Wars Episodes 1-3? >To give people something to complain about, to sell more toys, to distract from how annoying Anakin was, take your pick.
Jonathan Morrison
The problem isn’t that the 6 Plus bends the most, it’s the fact that IT DOESN’T BEND BACK. >Come now, let's be nice. Apple is bending over backwards to give us a decent product.
TMI Memes
I hate when people get mad about my tweets. This is a MEME ACC. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.
With the advent of newer and more sophisticated technology, people in general seem to become less intelligent. How so? As people use time saving equipment more and more, they tend to rely on their brains less and less. Take for example remembering phone numbers. Back in my day (I swore I'd never say that), I had to remember the phone number of every person I wanted to call. In fact to this day I can recall one of my original house numbers. But now-a-days, there is no need to remember phone numbers, the iPhone will save the number for you. I can even tell Siri to call a specific person, so I don't even need to look for the number, making it less likely I'll remember.
Then we come to Facebook. Oh yea, how everyone either loves or hates Facebook. I've already ranted about that topic HERE so I won't rehash it. How does FB try to dumben us up? Try reading any posts, especially from the youths. Auto-correct on phones and 'Office' software has insured no one knows how to spell any more. What makes matters worse is the 'cute' Ebonic short-cuts people have adopted.
"C U L8TER"
"wut up dawg"
"2 B or not 2 B"
As you'll notice in the link above, I do have a FB account and have asked my friends what they thought. One response was how there is a lack of imagination and creativity because of technology. I'll have to agree. I've actually seen my children watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games. Back in my day (did I just say that again) we had to play our own video games, AND they were side scrolling or repetitive. AND WE LIKED IT THAT WAY!!!! Well, you get the point. In a rebuttal, one of my good friends had this to say:
"I have no real use for reference works in a paper format. It's much to cumbersome. Better to have....on my tablet ready for use rather than a few books... No one mourns the passing of scrolls. It will be the same with books. They had their time." He then went on to comment on children. "I think kids are more creative now. Now they have the ability to create models from scratch as 3D renderings on a computer to real world objects.The illustrative powers of Corel and Photoshop make so those of us without the talent to paint can express express ourselves artistically."
My rebuttal to the rebuttal:
I'm not saying all technology is bad, neither am I saying all kids have no imagination or creativity. I also agree that at times, digital is the way to go. But for the most part, I love to have a library with actual books. As for scrolls, if you have any extra you want to get rid of, I'll gladly take them off your hands. Technology gives us the tools to become better artists, writers, designers and the such. I'm just saying that when used incorrectly, it can be a hindrance. Additionally, with the increase of technological advances to bolster creativity, just think how many "great" artists we would not have if today's tech were available several hundred years ago. Van Gogh, Shakespeare or Edgar Allan Poe would likely be unheard of. Unless of course, they produced works on YouTube of people writing poetry or painting pictures.
