S is for Spatula City

R.a.n.t. of day 04/22/15

This place is a joke. Can you believe I actually decided to try this place? The commercials make the store look convenient and friendly to shop in. It's anything but! The staff were rude, the prices inflated and finding the perfect spatula was impossible. Let me explain.

"There is just on place to go for all your spatula needs," says the commercial in a friendly sing-song voice. But when I asked about the double spatted grill flipper I was told they were out of stock. Doesn't sound like all my spatula needs were being met. So much for having a warehouse of spatulas for every occasion.

"Every shape, size and colour." This, at least, is true. You can have any colour spatula, as long as the colour is grey. Other colours of the rainbow seem to escape their notice. And size? I was looking for a spatula for mini-me and guess what? Not sold in ANY store. It was strictly an internet exclusive.

"Where do you go if you want to buy name brand spatulas at a fraction of retail cost?" Not at Spatula City! After not finding my special spatula, I asked to see their Oxo collection. I was informed they were being relocated. The stock-boy was on lunch and I'd have to come back later. So I asked for a Gordon Ramsay brand spatula. Suddenly the sales clerk starts yelling at me! He said I should find it myself or get the BLEEP out of his store.

A giant sign in the window displayed a 'special liquidation sale. Buy nine spatulas, get the tenth one for just one penny'. This is what initially excited me. However when inquiring about this special I was told the special was over and I should have come when it was still in effect. When I asked when that was, he made an excuse and walked away. I think it's a lie. AVOID THIS STORE AT ALL COST!

"Don't forget, they make great Christmas presents." This was on the recent commercial. We ALL heard it, didn't we? Do they ever update their ad spots?

"And what better way to say 'I love you', than with the gift of a spatula", says the commercial. But I'll never forget those hurtful words my wife shouted as she walked out on me. "What's in the box? A SPATULA?!?! STUPID! You're so stupid!" It turns out spatulas are NOT the perfect way to say I love you.

Says president of Spatula City, Sy Greenblum, "I liked their spatulas so much, I bought the company." Well guess what Sy? You can keep your spatulas. I don't want them and I will not shop at your store again. The experience was awful and I was nearly trampled trying to walk in the store once you opened. Ten minutes late, I might add. Ten minutes!


* Late breaking news. I just read this morning, all seven locations are closing their doors for good. So much for their sole spot in the yellow pages; listed under spatulas. Will anyone fill their shoes? I guess we can only wait. And I for one am excited to find out who.

♫ Spatula City. We no longer sell spatulas. And that's all!

Some questions for discussion:
Have you ever been to Spatula City?
What has been your worst shopping experience?
Does anyone use yellow pages any more?

Karen Cooking

'Peanut Fried Rice With Fish'

We're cooking something so delish'

We like to cook and have some fun

but just make sure the rice is done.

And keep the skillet very hot,

then wipe your nose, I see your snot.

If your fish you think you'll miss

Quickly give a good-bye kiss.

A little mess from Pierre the klutz

at least he remembered to bring the nuts.

Next get the onions, they'll hit the spot,

what do you mean that you forgot?

Since the onions have been misplaced,

let's sample some of this fish paste.

If you have no cracker to put beneath

perhaps you can use to brush your teeth.

To finish off let's add a lime.

Please do not trip this time.

The food is done, now lets asses.

By golly, we just made a mess.
Cooking for Pemu must've seemed a threat,
that's why she left and went to Pho Viet.

J.A.Scott

If you really want to make Peanut Fried Rice With Fish,
ask Pemu for help. Not Pierre
And use the recipe below.

Ingredients

2 tablespoons oil
1 large onion, chopped (2 cups)
2 1/2 tablespoons minced ginger
1 tablespoon minced garlic
4 cups of cooked Jasmine Rice, cold*
1-2 tablespoons Fish Sauce
1/2-3.5 oz box Peanut Sauce Mix
2 cups cooked and flaked fish** (of choice, grilled or pan-seared)
1/3 cup chopped fresh basil
1 lime cut into 8 wedges
Optional: Favorite hot sauce
*Day old rice works best for fried rice.
**We used salmon for our test, but any firm fleshed fish will do.

Directions
1. In a large non-stick skillet heat oil over a high heat until hot. Add onions and cook until they are a deep brown (caramelized), but not black.
2. Add the ginger and garlic. Stirring, cook 2 or 3 minutes until fragrant. Add Jasmine Rice and Fish Sauce. Stir-fry until rice is coated with oil. Add more oil if too dry.
3. Add 1 inner envelope of Peanut Sauce Mix and fish. Stir-fry until heated through. Mix in basil at the last minute of cooking and serve.
4. Pass a bowl of lime wedges to squeeze on rice. For those who "like it hot" sprinkle on a few drops of hot sauce.

A Taste of Thai


This poem was inspired form a skit I performed with my friend Conrad, called "Karen Cooking". The skit can be viewed HERE:

Cajun Style Bacon

R.a.n.t. of week 03/24/13

This weekend, one of my good friends posted a photo to Facebook, proud of his breakfast dinner. Let's be honest, who doesn't enjoy breakfast for dinner? However, one of the things discussed amongst a few of us was the degree to which the bacon was prepared. "Looks like you burnt that bacon." & "U ruined bacon........" were a few comments. After these jocular insults were thrown about, he replied "Where did all you haters come from.........scat! You know I like my fried meats borderline Cajun. I made it just the way I like it... perfectly crispy & crunchy all over & it tasted perfect!"

Just for the record, I'm certainly not ranting about (criticizing) anyone for how they enjoy their bacon. I've received my share of wise cracks regarding how I enjoy my meats 'well-done'. "You just ruined a piece of steak", is one insult thrown my way a number of times. Additionally, you know I wasn't seriously being harsh about the 'Cajun style bacon' because even I replied, "Burnt bacon is like Irish Coffee without the whiskey. It's still coffee, so still good...... just not as enjoyable."

So what am I really ranting about? To be honest, I'm not entirely certain. Maybe I'm upset how certain people like to criticize the way others enjoy their food. Or distressed over burnt bacon. Perhaps it's about the misuse of the word 'Cajun'. No, more likely I just decided to write about bacon because everyone loves bacon. Maybe that'll result in a few more readers and comments this week? Sometimes there is a method to my madness.

 Bonus Photo!

Can you ever have too much bacon?

"You guys keep fighting. I'm going to make some popcorn."
"Don't burn it Jeff! But if you do, just call it Cajun!"

How To Make Impressive Cookies