Blog Hiatus & Return

R.a.n.t. of month September, 2016

It's time I let everyone know what's been going on. As most of my regular readers are aware, I love to write. But I have also not been around. I feel awful for this because a few have have shown concern and inquired how I'm doing, yet I have failed to respond. I sincerely apologize and shall endeavour to correct this. 

Please note: I'm not saying I don't want to reply, but I have failed in doing so, nonetheless. The failure was hinted in my last post. The 'technical difficulties' post. But the technical difficulties have mostly been in my head. I've been having a major bought of depression for the past few weeks (almost months). I've been dealing with a few things, (perhaps not major), but combined, they have taken a surprising toll on me. I have lost the motivation to do what I most naturally enjoy; writing, photography, language studies, spending time online, going out with friends, etc. etc. Quite a few days have involved me going to work, then heading home after and vegging out or going directly to bed.

But I've been starting to work on this. In fact, this weekend is the first I've actually tried to do something to correct this. I have started to de-clutter the closets in my apartment and I am currently in the middle of re-organizing the rooms. It can be so therapeutic, and I'm expecting some good results. Once again, I apologize for not getting back to those who have reached out to me. I shall be doing so today. My goal is to get back on track by the beginning of next month. I want to get back into my blog hops, if I'm still welcome. Thanks again to everyone for the concerns. Please bear with me, I shall be back.

Dreary Gloomy People

Dreary, gloomy, people crying.
Hiding in the house.
Laying on the ground.

Dreary, gloomy, people trying.
Sitting in the dark.
A whimper is their sound.

Woe is me,
dreary as can be.
Gloom is all,
that I can see.

Dreary, gloomy people crying...
crying in cupped hands.
Another day,
another scar.

J.A.Scott

Shiny Happy People

R.a.n.t. of week 12/07/14

One of the worst things a person can deal with is depression. Wait, no. I take that back. There is one thing worse than being depressed. It's when you are depressed and Guy Smiley is standing there telling you things are not 'as bad as all that'. It's annoying enough to be depressed, but when someone tells you to 'buck up' or 'look on the bright side of life' it's as if they are telling you, 'you are not trying to be happy', 'it's your own fault you are not happy' or 'maybe if you tried a little harder you'd be happy'. Even if their comment is well intended, the depressed person can take it that way. It's a real struggle to NOT feel that way. Additionally, we each deal with things in different ways. One person may deal with depression better than another, but that same person may be more prone to freaking out when seeing a bug crawl across the kitchen floor. The worse part really isn't that they are telling us to feel a certain way. I mean the depressed person doesn't always want to feel depressed. Who doesn't want to feel happy? But when a shiny happy person is standing over you, and you feel the world is caving in, it can be a bit much. Here you are thinking about something sad and someone walks up with bright smile on their face. "Hey, buck up! Put a smile on your face!" In a way, this sort of thing happens to me at work when I answer the phone. I'll be depressed about something in particular and when someone calls they ask, "How you doing?" Just annoying.

So in protest, I've decided to rewrite the lyrics to the R.E.M. song 'Shiny Happy People'. I hope Charles Winthrop doesn't find out. He hates Weird Al, and he hates it even more when I 'destroy' a song. Hmmm, wonder if this would depress him. "Cheer up!" I'll tell him, as I stroll away whistling.


Dreary Gloomy People

♫ Dreary Gloomy People Crying ♪

♫ Hiding in the house... gloomy... people.
Laying on the ground... crying... trying.
Hear that whimper sound? Dreary.. Woe is me. ♪

♫ Dreary, Gloomy, People in cupped hands.
Dreary, Gloomy People in cupped hands.
Dreary, Gloomy People Crying. ♪


Okay, that's enough, I've made my point. I know most won't fully understand this rant. So be it, I'm not bothered. It's just something I have to deal with from time to time. So for those that have no idea what it's like, enjoy the music videos below. And remember, if you're crying, you're not trying (to be happy). Or so I've been told.

What Is Fair

I live a life so empty,
such a waste of human space.
Boring, dull, petty, worthless,
and no one to embrace.

But cancer took my father.
Made a widow of his wife.
He is loved and dearly missed,
was it fair to take his life?

I daily live with much guilt,
Is it fair? I disagree.
So unjust that he is gone,
Would be more fair if it were me.

J.A.Scott

Thank You

It happened so fast,
with no time to think.
Man behind the wheel,
had too much to drink.

The blood that I bleed,
is certainly red.
as the light you ran through.
Should be you instead.

You quickly drove off,
off into the rain.
I had no time to dwell,
on the horrible pain.

Pain I felt often,
so deep in my heart.
Never ending break,
always tore me apart.

Agony and torture,
weighed in like a brick.
This was much better,
the end came so quick.

Yes, it's finally ended,
the pain is now through.
You killed me tonight.
Thank You

J.A.Scott

Scraped Away

We are the creators,
while others destroy.
We bask in our pity
and embrace tragedy.

The shattered vessels and
emptiness of this world.
Accepting rejection
yet clamoring for more.

We are not the artists of life,
or the musicians of love.
The writers of prose
and poets of pain.

We are the bugs you squash,
the rejected and lost.
You tread on us carelessly,
then scrap us away.

J.A.Scott

Dealing With Stress

R.a.n.t. of week 09/30/12

Stress is something everyone, at some point in their lives, experiences. As individuals, we all seem to deal with it in our own ways. For some, whatever problem is stressing them, they like to face head-on. Others like to hide the problem, trying to forget, putting it on the 'back burner' so to speak. Lately, I've been dealing with a considerable amount of stress and have been reflecting on how to deal with it all. Currently I've got two children who are just in the teenage years. Talk about stress! I refuse to believe I was this stressful to my parents when I was a teen. Unfortunately, my dad disagrees with me. He says he was pulling his hair out all the time dealing with me. Speaking of my dad, he's currently the main focus of my stress, mostly through worry. He's currently dealing with cancer in the form of lymphoma. If that weren't bad enough, last Friday he fell in the house and broke his hip. Of course there was no one else in the house to help so he did what he could to reach the phone and wait for help. A week later he's got pins in his hip (fortunately he didn't need to get a hip replacement) and is on his way to a rehab centre for a few weeks.

So how do I deal with the stress? Music is a cure-all for me when I'm dealing with mental instabilities; i.e. depression, stress, feelings of worthlessness, you get the idea. But not everyone is aware I deal with all these problems. Mostly because there is another way I deal with my stress and what-not - humour. Again, everyone deals with stress in their own way. I was recently with a friend who is having major house problems. Him and his wife are VERY stressed out as most of the ceilings have to be replaced as well as some of the walls. Asbestos needs to be dealt with additionally. My friend deals with it a lot like me, joking and making light of it. As a person who also uses humour, I know how much it bothers him. Some people seem to think those of us who try to deal with stress by making jokes aren't taking things seriously. But we do, in fact the more we joke, the more it's likely bothering us.

Despite all this, I also have the problem of feeling like I don't deserve these feelings. I see other people dealing with problems much more serious than what I'm going through, so I wonder if it's even fair for me to be stressed. Should I own these feeling? Is it right for me to feel the way I do? Am I just being ridiculous? I'll have to think about this some more tonight as I watch my double feature of Monty Python's Holy Grail and the Three Amigos.

Depression

It'll never be the same
when someone you love dies.
despite the hope you have inside,
everybody cries.

You miss their every action
even those you did despise
you say you will be okay,
but everybody lies.

I think I'll sleep in.

* * *

I pull myself together
and battle through the gray,
but feeling very lonely
each and every day.

I dream about the woman
who'd chase the pain away,
but she's in love with another
their affection on display.

I think I'll go lay down.

* * *

I really hate myself
though I do not make this known
Feeling like a failure
the prize that's all my own.

The intensity of this feeling
is like a sinking stone
surrounded by my many friends
but I always feel alone.

I think I'll go to bed early.

J.A.Scott

Mental Illness

R.a.n.t. of week 06/15/08
It's probable I may continue a part of this rant in a letter to Tegan. Mostly because things have been weighing on my mind and I really need to get it all out. This weekend was much like some of the weekends I had before I was married and hanging out with buddies Chris, Travis and Ernie. Back then, my depression would hit me hard at times and it was very hard to fight. It's like being trapped inside your own body without being able to control it. You don't want to speak, laugh, or be engaged in conversation. Watching others have fun while being trapped like that certainly doesn't help either. I'm so upset because I've fought this off for so long, and now it came back. I'm hoping it's not something that will continue to make an appearance. I will continue to monitor it and perhaps watch my associations and hang with those who may be aware/concerned about my condition. Okay, perhaps it's difficult to understand and doesn't make much sense. But if it made sense it wouldn't be an illness would it?