Sunday, June 30, 2013

Egg Terrorists

R.a.n.t. of week 06/30/13
Believe it or not, there are some weeks I find nothing to complain about. Maybe that's not entirely true, let me correct myself. Believe it or not, there are some weeks I find nothing NEW to complain about. Idiot drivers, inconsiderate people, dumb things in life I can't control or egg terrorists. Wait, I've never complained about egg terrorists before. As this has never happened to me, I've never found a reason to. Fortunately, this HAS happened to a guest contributor, who shall now relate her experience. Did I say fortunate? Fortunate for me, less fortunate for her.

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There are many things in life I can tolerate. I usually can dodge any curve ball thrown. It’s during those unexpected moments I may find myself in that I usually can figure out my next moves. Even if I don’t, I can usually wiggle my way gracefully out of the situation. People can even hit me with their best shots anytime because I’ve learned through my experiences in life to toughen up. I’ve learned what people say to hurt me doesn’t really matter anyway so I can usually let their words go in one ear and out the other.

There is something, however, that really irks the daylights out of me. It is the curve ball thrown at me/my property in the form of an egg. An egg you wonder? Yes, an egg. I find it quite peculiar that there are people in this world that find it funny to say the least to plot, plan and finally to attack your windows with eggs. I call them the Egg Terrorists. I’m going to try to put myself in the mind of one. The attacker likely comes with a motive. During the day he scans the neighborhood looking for the best home to hit. The attackers mind set, I truly believe is first and foremost, to scare the life out of someone. When the egg terrorists attack they put their victim in shock. The victim of the egg attacker never knows until they see the yellow slimy substance of the egg dripping down from their windows. They ask, “Was it an owl, a rock, or Superman?” Personally I would take the later any time. The egg on the other hand that flew into your window was hurled there by a simple minded individual that likely has an egg for a brain. This fool wasted his money on something perfectly fine to eat, that could have been prepared in a variety of forms I may add. I can see that idiot now standing at the cash register…smirking and thinking… “I have the weapons in hand….hahahahahaha…” Looking to the left and the right with his squinty eyes, he glances, hoping nobody there knows that those eggs he just bought were not for an omelet the next morning but for his premeditated juvenile behavior…egg throwing! Placing them neatly in a carry out bag…I can see him glancing though each and every one of those eggs, hoping to find the best of the best to throw at the windows of his unsuspecting victims…Ahhh…he finds the one he saw during the day. Before throwing the egg, he examines it carefully. “Yes” he says to himself, “This is the one!”Lurking in the darkness, he finds the home with the largest windows in the neighborhood and makes his move. He slithers up on the grass like a cunning snake, peers into the window and gages his exact distance that will cause the most harm and mess to the window. Suddenly,…bam…boom…splash! The Egg Terrorist strikes again.

His mission is accomplished. The damage is done. The perfectly good egg was hurled into space like a satellite being controlled by that simple minded egg pitcher. His gauging was correct. The egg, hurled by the egg head terrorist, made its way perfectly to the window he was hoping to hit. I often wonder if the Egg Terrorist wears a costume of sorts when he goes out at night bearing the initials ET…however he could be afraid of copy write infringement. Now, as he runs and laughs, he leaves behind the product of his foolish behavior. The window is left with the egg damage, but the owner of the property is left standing in complete disarray over the foolishness of such behavior. The owner is left with a giant task at midnight to hose down the eggs and in the morning spend precious time cleaning egg shells out of the corners of the window pane. The Egg Terrorists are not really considered to be on the top priority of a 911 call. After all no “real” damage was done to property they say. Really?

So my R.A.N.T is that food in any sort, shape or form is not meant to be hurled at anything except a plate and in a mouth. Eggs are one of the food items that are on the top of my list as being the silliest things to waste along with the toilet paper and balloons, whose attackers by the way think that it is funny to drape toilet paper around a tree or to hit a person smack dab in the face with a balloon filled with water.

So, Egg Terrorist if you are reading this…take note that I have some people in some pretty high places that will find you. When they do, and they will find you…and take note, my sorry little absent minded fellow, that my mission is to tie you up and put you against the wall as I throw darts at you. And I may add…Possibly doing this blindfolded. HAHAHAHAHAHA

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Professor Sanee resides in Italy
and teaches the course 'the
Ethics of Humour' at I.M.A.
She's also author of the book,
"Why Isn't Anyone Laughing?"


  1. At least to me, it seems that most egg terrorist are legally juvenile, unless it is the 30th of October, when too many just expand their juvenile behavior.

    1. October 30th, juvenile amateur hour.