Abandoned

R.a.n.t. of week 11/02/14

It's an awful feeling to have. I think everyone has felt this at some point in their lives. And different people feel this emotion to different degrees. A child who learns it was adopted because it's parents abandoned it will most likely feel worse than a parent who learns it's child would rather spend more time with his friends. But truly, it always hurts, even if you understand the reasons behind it. As they say, life moves on.

Lately, I've been feeling like this within several layers. At times I'm able to deal with the stress from it all, other days, not so much. Next month It'll be nine years since my wife filed for divorce. Sure, I've been able to deal with that and have been able to move on, for the most part. But there is always some nagging feeling of abandonment when someone you once loved let's you know they are leaving.

Within the past year other things have taken place. One of my brothers has this annoying habit of reuniting with the family every so often, only to sneak away in the middle of the night because he can't deal with things. About two years ago my brother once again reconnected with the family. Most likely because my father was dying. However, earlier last year he did his Amazing Mumford routine and disappeared once again. I haven't heard from him since. He's one of those people who react impulsively to situations instead of sitting down and trying to figure out how to deal with it. So I'm use to this behaviour of his, but it still feels like an abandonment.

Another form of seemingly abandonment is when children finally decide to leave home. Last year, the ex-wife decided to move to another city about a forty minute drive away. No, that's not such a big distance, especially when we agreed to meet half way to exchange children. But within the past few weeks, both of my boys have taken jobs in that city. What this means is, the weekends I'm supposed to have my kids visit me, does not work now. So it can be weeks at a time till I see my kids again. One is still in school, one is not. So with school and work, it'll be a while till I see my youngest. My oldest is now working many hours, and as hinted above, would rather spend time with his friends. Yes, all understandable. Life goes on, life resumes, life continues. But sitting at home alone now makes me feel abandoned many times over.

Other thoughts on this topic include when friends drift apart. Either they are drawn to other people more, or they have stressful lives with too much to do. Friends marry, have children, additional responsibilities, concentrate on a burdensome workload or other matters to attend to and suddenly you are no longer as essential to them as you once were. You let them know you will always be there for them, but it becomes apparent they no long need your reliance. Feelings of abandonment are once again felt.

Yes, I know what you are thinking. 'You need to toughen up, that's life'. Of course it's life and I understand that. But like most of my rants, that doesn't mean I have to like feeling abandoned. Even if it's all in my head.