Wednesday, October 21, 2015

It's 2015, Do You Know Where Your Hydrator Is?

I'm posting this entry from the past.
My bloggers flux capacitor is primed and ready.
Posting this entry now, and should be seen October 21, 2015
The same date Doc Brown and Marty arrive from the past. November 5, 1985
If my calculations are correct. When this post hits 88 comments, you're going to see some serious wit.

R.a.n.t. of week 01/04/15
According to the film, Back To The Future II, 2015 is an exciting time for us. We have a plethora of awesome inventions making our life simpler, cooler and more enjoyable. Take the Black and Decker Food Hydrator. Gone are the days of heating up the oven to 350°, placing a frozen pizza in the oven and waiting twelve minutes. Now we simply place a dehydrated pizza into the hydrator (which is voice activated mind you), tell it to cook at level four and wait a mere twelve seconds before taking the piping hot pizza out, already sliced. The only draw-back of this model is it's not as fast as those new models which can accomplish the same task is just six seconds, but boy oh boy, your mother will sure know how to hydrate a pizza.

Unfortunately, a few days ago, I had a bad experience at Target. When I asked where I might find a food hydrator the sales clerk just laughed at me. So it appears Back to the Future lied to us! All those great inventions they promised us do not actually exist. Whoa! That's heavy! And yes, to all you who are about to point out to me that it's just a movie and I should not get overly excited about all this, I do know that. It's just a bit of fun. If you truly want to be over critical of my blog post, you can make like a tree and get out of here!

Other inventions we won't see in 2015.

Fashion (Part One) Self Adjusting Jacket
This brings new meaning to 'one size fits all'. No more worrying about finding a jacket that fits just right. Every jacket in 2015 will be the perfect fit. This particular one comes with the additional feature of drying itself, so never worry about being caught in the rain. (If that's a problem for you, perhaps you should pay more attention to the weather service.)

Fashion (Part Two) Ties
Gone are the boring days of wearing a single silk tie. Now we can wear two ties at once. Ever have a problem deciding which tie goes best with your suit? Now you don't have to decide, wear both ties. Or in a few rare occasions, you can still wear a single tie, just make sure the tie is invisible, or clear at the very least.

Our list will continue in just a minute. But first...

We are back!

Fashion (Part Three) Nike w/ Power Laces
Never bend over to tie your shoes again. With Power Laces, you simply place your foot in the shoe and the power laces do the job for you. Comfortable and secure shoes are now the norm. Never be fooled that your shoes is untied ever again.

 Hover Tech (Part One) Automatic Dog Walker
Back in my day, when we had a dog, we had to take care of it. If the dog wanted to go out, we had to take him, when he went poo, we had to pick it up, when he wanted to be petted, we had to pet it. You kids are spoiled these days. You can have a dog and not have to give it any attention.

Hover Tech (Part Two) Hovercam
On the plus side, hovercams can go where they are needed as quickly as possible. Additionally, they can go to remote areas hard to get at. Having many on stand-by hovering over the city, they can be where the action is almost immediately. Bad news is, Jimmy Olsen is out of a job.

Hover Tech (Part Three) Hover Conversion
Tired of sitting in traffic on the roads? Get a hover conversion and you can sit in traffic in the air. Getting from point A to point B has never been easier, and you can get there as the crow flies. Goldie Wilson III can install an affordable conversion for only $39,999.95. BEWARE! Some con-artists will try to sell you a Hoover Conversion. Mayor Goldie Wilson wanted to clean up this town, but I don't think that was what he had in mind.

Hover Tech (Part Four) Hoverboard
Doing tricks and being slick was never easier. Whether you are using a Mattel, No Tech or Rising Sun brand, you are likely to find the right board for you. Just remember, a hoverboard does not work on water, unless you've got power. For that, I'd suggest the Pit-bull.

Holo Tech (Part One) Holobillboards
Remember back in the day when billboards were just large paper advertisements? Everything had to be written and there was no automatic updates when needed. With holobillboards, we can hear additional information about acquiring hover conversion and how things used to be in the past. Or how about automatic updates when our favourite team wins the World Series! I hear the Milwaukee Brewers are favoured to win in 2016.

Holo Tech (Part Two) Holomax Theater
Why just watch a movie when you can experience it? Holomax theaters make you feel like you are right in the thick of things. In Star Wars XII you can BE the Jedi. Indiana Jones VIII lets you accompany Indy on his perilous journeys. Go head to head with Rocky in Rocky XIII. Want to know what it's like to be eaten by a shark? See Jaws XIX. Be forewarned though, reviews say the shark still looks fake.

We will return to our blog post, but first a word from our sponsor

We now continue the blog post.

Binocular Card
Small enough to fit in your back pocket and advanced enough to zoom in clearly. Utilizing the photographic feature of this binocular card makes it perfect for bird watching. Get it? Bird watching? Well, my friends in the UK will understand.

Bionic Implants
We can rebuild man, we have the technology. Better, stronger, faster. Of course for peak performance, a decent upgrade can cost upwards of six million dollars. Or you can go the bargain basement route. Unfortunately, you get what you pay for and should expect a few short circuits in your bionic implants.

Garden Center
Tired of buying fruits at the super market only to have them go bad in a day or so? Of course not, you have the Garden Center. Fruits grown at home and preserved for just the moment you crave a bunch of grapes, apple or whatever else you decide to plant. No worries about the time it takes, the Garden Center does most of the work for you. Besides, you have extra time, you no longer have to walk the dog.

Don't know how to cook? Who does? We have Master-Cooks now, so who has to? The Master-Cook is fully stocked with recipes of all sorts, helps with the preparing and cooking as well. Still having problems? Well, you can always hydrate a pizza.

Home Energy Reactor
"Never take the trash out again!" Remember that slogan when Mr. Fusion first came out? That caught every guys attention right away. But it's true, with your own home energy reactor you can turn your garbage into energy. Let the wife nag you all she wants about eating too many bananas and drinking too much beer. You know you are just doing your part to keep your homes energy level maxed out. Tell her to leave you alone and go watch her soaps.

Illuminated Parking
Back in the old days, you had to search hi and low for signs which indicated where you could or could not park. Not so any more. You'd have to be colour blind to get a ticket now. If the curb is blue - there's parking for you. If the curb is red - park up ahead.

Pepsi Perfect
Vitamin enriched soda. My grandfather had to eat cereal if he wanted to get all his daily allowance of vitamins and minerals. Now you can make Pepsi a 'Perfect' part of this complete dinner.

Rejuvenation Clinic
Add years to your life at a rejuvenation clinic. When you get a natural overhaul, you never again have to worry about a botched facelift. Are you looking for something simple like hair repair? We can do that. Or perhaps you need a spleen or colon replaced. Yes, we can do that do. You will feel and look years younger. Just don't spook the kids or animals when you get home with how much more different you'll look.

Once again, we are taking a break to pay our bills.

Welcome back to our blog post.

Scenery Channel
Technology that's really not that futuristic. The biggest problem is finding an actual need. Will watching a display screen over your window convince you you have been transported into a nicer neighbourhood, or one of your favourite locations overseas? Would the cost of the screen and the subscription to the scenery channel make you feel any more relaxed? Certainly the scenery channel repairmen won't. Typically they like to make fun of you and call you a chicken, for whatever reason.

Sleep Inducing Alpha Rhythm Generator
Ugggghhh, my wife hates me! After a hard day of work installing the scenery channel at losers house-holds, she makes me walk the dog, then put the kids to bed. Fortunately my sleep inducing alpha rhythm generator helps knock the kids out in ten seconds flat. Next she'll be asking me to hydrate a pizza as soon as I walk in the door. Oh great! Now she wants to talk about her day. I'll rant later, I need to go charge my sleep inducing alpha rhythm generator. Time for some quiet time. For her or for me, not sure which yet.

Automated Service Stations
Have your windows washed, oil changed, gas filled landing gear checked, all at the same time. Never before in history has going to the service station been any easier. And you never have to get out of your car. Compu-serve comes right to your window where you can pay with just a press of your thumb. Thank you. Please come again.

Thumbprint Technology
Once upon a time, we had to carry an odd assortment of items along with us wherever we went. Keys, credit cards, identification cards, money, so on and so forth. Now all we need is our thumb print. If we want to enter our homes, we just scan our thumb. Finished shopping at the store? Scan your thumb. Start our cars? Scan our thumb. Police need to know who we are if they find us tranked in a back alley somewhere? They can scan our thumb. Historical society badgering us for funds to preserve the clock tower? Just thumb them $100 bucks to shut them up. Transient begging us for money? Hit the road! Just be careful, there are thumb bandits out there. They won't steal your wallet, but they might steal your thumb.

Video Glasses
An essential part of any teenagers life. Video glasses make it easier to cut off the rest of the family and pretend they don't exist, than ever before. If you want to watch a few channels of television in privacy or you just want to chat with a friend or two. Check out our beautiful model displaying her video glasses. All the cool kids have one, and you have to believe that, because it's posted on the internet.

Video Waiter Simulacrum
Remember when Max Headroom was all the rage? No? Well, if you blinked in the 80s then you missed it. Despite that, these Max Headroom inspired video waiters are ready to serve you. Ronald Reagan is anxious to take your order. But watch out, Ayatollah Khomeini wants you to have the 'Hostage Special' and he doesn't care who he has to push out of the way to make sure you get exactly what you want, as long as it's what he wants you to have. A Michael Jackson video waiter is also available and he'll be thrilled to take your order too. Want an egg? He'll Beat It any way you want it. Sorry, was that joke Bad? Don't blame me, It was Billie Jean's fault. Can you fault her? It's only Human Nature. (These jokes just get worse and worse).

Video Phone
Another invention not so far off the mark. Scype anyone? However, a video phone is not exactly a standard feature in most homes, certainly not one that gives off personal details of who you are talking to. Seriously, do we really need to know how many kids our phone acquaintance has? Or their job, or address, or food preferences, or vital statistics or body measurements? No wonder Needles is such a jerk.

Weather Service
More reliable than the postal system, the weather service accurately predicts the weather to the tick. But it not only predicts the weather, it makes the weather. Worried about a coming blizzard? Don't be. All of this moisture coming up out of the Gulf is gonna push off to the east and hit Altoona. Do you remember life before the weather service? We also had to worry about sub-zero temperatures in the Winter. Glad that's not a problem any more.


  1. I thought we had until March! I better get crackin'!

    1. Technically, I think we actually have till October.

  2. Yeah, Back to the Future II lied. LOL! I always wanted those Nike shoes with power laces. And I know my nephews would love those hoverboards.

    1. I must have blinked, I missed all the Jaws episodes between 3 and 19.
      I want to see the alien Jaws. :)

  3. I actually did see a youtube video of an actual hover board. They only took it out over the water so no one accidentally got hurt, but still, pretty cool. (Not at all the way they're pictured in the movie.)

    1. It's a pity they are not available. I'd certainly like to buy one.

  4. Pepsi's "special edition" Back to the Future II bottle is going to cost $20 and be tough to find. I might pay $20 just to have it...I don't know. I'm certainly not going to drive all over town looking for it, though!

    1. I would love to find it. If it truly is going to be released. I have a BTTF party planned I'd love to have the bottles for.

  5. Embrace your dreams - imagination is more fun than knowledge.

  6. Happy Belated Back To The Future Day! ☺ Hard to believe it's been 30 years already. This was a fun post, Jeffrey and I know what you meant by "bird watching". Michael J. Fox was on Jimmy Kimmel last night, wearing a real pair of those Nike self-lacing shoes. They're going to be auctioned off for his Parkinson's Foundation.

    1. That would have been cool to see. Sorry I missed it. PS - Battle results are now up.

  7. You can see it HERE.
    Heading over to your BOTB results post now.

    1. Thanks for the link. The power laces were cool to watch. Not as fast as in the movie, but still cool. Now I want a pair.

  8. You certainly had fun with this post! lol Miss those crazy 80's. Wish the Cubbies would've made it to play my KC guys. I would've made it a point to sit outside Wrigley to 'be there'.

    1. Yes, this was a fun post to put together. And finding those commercials was cool. Loved all three of them.

  9. I had the pleasure of working at a wedding Christopher Lloyd attended recently... Just a laid back happy guy. Very polite. I went straight home and watched Back to the Future. Couldn't help it. Somehow, I did manage to make it through the night without saying, "Great scott!!" :)