Sunday, February 23, 2014

Cud Chewin'

R.a.n.t. of week 02/23/14
Every once in a while, someone will do something that completely drives me bonkers. True, there are many things people do that are minor irritations, but a few are real 'nails on a chalkboard' vexing. A few years ago, I talked about whistlers. You can find that rant HERE. So you know this rant is not about those people. No, the other type of people in this rant happen to be about gum chewers. But really, not all gum chewers are annoying, and there are varying degrees to which these people can be annoying. I've decided to sort them into categories. Which are you? And which are the ones that annoy you? Why do I do this? Because I can. Actually that last statement is another rant on the horizon.

1.) the Silent Type - This gum chewer is hardly ever noticed. They keep their mouth closed, don't blow any bubbles and in fact, hardly even chew. Usually this type of person is chewing a breath enhancing gum. I have no problem with these gum chewers. Keep on chewing.

2.) the Semi-Active Type - This person does chew gum but it's fairly silent for the most part. They may blow a bubble, but draw it back into their mouths and pop it silently. Depending on the activity, I'm usually okay with these type of gum chewers too.

3.) the Bubble Man - Chewing gum isn't a pastime for this type of person, it's a sport. Who can blow the biggest bubble? They may even take the gum out of their mouth to visibly inspect it. Did it break the world record? Let's find out. The gum is then sucked back into the mouth in a noisy fashion, almost sounding like a vacuum in reverse. The novice bubble man doesn't know when to stop blowing and usually explodes his bubble, sometimes covering his face in a gooey mess. Attractive? Not really. Annoying? Sometimes, depends on how active they are and at what skill level.

4.) the Over-Active Type - Bubble blowing? Check. Cracking the gum? Check. Chewing veraciously? Check. It's as second nature as breathing in and breathing out. In other words, they hardly realize they are doing it and even less aware it might annoy anyone. This person blows bubbles, sucks them in noisily, cracks the gum for a bit, has a conversation with someone to show off their gum, crack it a few times, then lather, rinse, repeat. (See picture above).

5.) the Smacker - Never mind bubble blowing, to the smacker the gum is enjoyable enough. So good in fact they must enjoy every chew. Mouth wide open and each chew is amplified ten-fold. How do they do it? I don't know. I'd almost be impressed by how much noise their lip smacking and cud chewing is if it were not so annoying. To make matters worse, it's not a random occurrence. It seems these type of gum enthusiasts always have gum in their mouth. These are the people who are found in most libraries. These are the people whose mothers had to cut gum out of their hair regularly or applied peanut butter or mayonnaise to their hair an a regular basis. They also sit a row behind me in the theatre, a line over in the DMV queue, ringing up my groceries, haunting my nightmares. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Sorry, I got a little carried away there. Where was I?

Honourable Mention.) the Improviser - This person doesn't actually chew gum. Instead they chew on whatever is handy. A loose thread from their clothes, a piece of hay, their own tongue, a chewing gum wrapper, two hour old celery, maybe even their own cud! Who knows? Point is, it can be just as annoying.

Gum Chewing Cow


  1. I'm one of the over active types... but I basically never chew gum because of it. :)

    1. At least you are aware of it then. I don't think some people even care.

  2. I was the overly active type, I did it all, pop, smacked and crackled it till it was gray and gross. Then developed TMJ. Now I'm the never chew type. The overly active type now hurts my ears....

    1. I'm generally #1. Sometimes I'll lean towards #2 but not very often. Usually I only chew gum for fresher breath or something similar.