Sunday, November 25, 2012

Pointless and Dumb

R.a.n.t. of week 11/25/12
Every once in a while, (usually around Winter, and usually for a few months), I start to have a dark cloud hover over me. Generally it's a grab bag of various reasons. One of the main things I have problems with is feelings of worthlessness. True, I know this is not unique to me, myself and I, but it doesn't help to know others deal with the same thing. Everyone has their own reasons for feeling the same way I do. So what's my biggest self doubt? Many times I feel what I do is pointless. An endless tedium of sleep, eat, work, ad nauseum. I look at others and see the wonderful works they do. I've got friends in the medical field, helping others who are sick, others produce wonderful works of art via camera or portrait. Still others are learning new languages so they can help others.... I could go on. Then I look at myself and wonder what meaningful thing I do? Is there anything I ever do that inspires, motivates or helps others?

Best I can do is entertain. I like to fancy myself as a comic, a writer and a poet - for the amusement of others. But do I? I strive to be clever, I hope to be motivational, I wish I were inspiring. But there are many times I feel my writing is completely pointless and utter rubbish. Does it really entertain anyone? I admit, initially I was going to rant about a seemingly lack of interest in my posts as identified by the comments I receive (or lack thereof). Then I thought it might be too petty, even for my blog. I suffer depression, so these feelings are likely a result of some chemical imbalance in my brain. So where do I go from here? I push past these feelings. I try to make what I write as meaningful as I possibly can. But ultimately, I plan to continue on with my writing. Because after all, even if my writing doesn't entertain anyone else, it entertains me. And if this entertainment helps me whether through my depression, then it has it's meaning and purpose.

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