Sunday, September 15, 2013

Fast Talkers

R.a.n.t. of week 09/15/13
Auctioneers - One of my "guilty pleasure" type shows is called 'Storage Wars'. It's about a group of people who visit storage lockers that are being auctioned off because the owner of locker has defaulted in payments or abandoned. Let's just gloss over that many claim the show is rigged and some of the 'hidden treasures' are planted by the producers. To be honest, I could care less, the show is entertaining. Barry is hysterical, Brandi is gorgeous, Darrell kind of reminds me of one of my obnoxious yet best friends, and Dave is..... well no longer with the show. Am I okay with that? Yuuuuuuup!!!!!!!!!! Finally we have Dan and Laura Dotson - (Dotson, Dotson, we have Dotson here!); the auctioneers. One thing I've never fully understood was auctioneer speech. What's with the high speed talk? Is it really necessary? Okay, so you want to move things along, but does the high speed linguistics truly help? For the most part, no one understands a word being said until the auctioneer calls out a raise in price or the end of the auction. "bla bla bla bla bla 45 dollars bla bla bla do I hear 50? 50, 50 bla bla bla 50. Going once, going twice, SOLD for 45 dollars!

Jimmy John's - Anyone with one of these restaurants in their area has likely heard one of the commercials on the radio. Usually it involves a couple of the employees discussing how fast they truly are. As implied in the commercials, they are freaky fast! I recall one of the first times I went into a Jimmy John's, employees were throwing bread and wrapped sandwiches around in a frenzy, seemingly moving at freaky fast speeds. I almost wonder how many breads fell to the floor and were simply dusted off and reused. So does speaking fast, mean you can make a fast sandwich? Certainly a question I'll have to ask Dan Dotson if I ever meet him. But I think I know the answer to that, especially after my last drive-thru experience. Having ordered a sub, I waited twelve minutes for my sandwich. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE their sandwiches, but that was freaky slow. Unless of course they just ordered my sub from another location and it only took 12 minutes to bring that sub to this location. Now that would be freaky! Come to think of it, it WAS a Friday.

Commercials - Not much to say about this besides how much I hate when commercials do this. Usually it's a radio commercial because TV just shows the unreadable fine print. A radio commercial doesn't have that luxury so it spends 20 seconds of a 30 second spot claiming how wonderful their new and fantastic offer is, then ten seconds quickly letting everyone know what is exempt from this wonderfully, fantastic offer. By the time the commercial is done, you've forgotten what the offer is and you now have a headache trying to either listen to and/or understand what that buzzing display of wording was.

Phone Messages - Probably my least liked fast talker is the yahoo's who leave phone messages. Particularrly the ones who gab on for two long minutes, then as they leave a contact number it's "Fo-one-fo-fi-fi-five-si-oh-thr-two. Call me back". Then comes a dial tone and me saying "Okay, I got 414." Then I realize I have to listen to the entire two minute slow, painful oral drivel once or twice more. Depending on how quickly I can decipher the jumble of numbers thrown at me. Don't throw things at me, seriously. There's a reason I don't play sports very often.


  1. Good thing I haven't called, Jeffrey. I have a tendency to exceed the velocity employed by the FedEx guy (from years back) when I get excited.

  2. When I was younger, the fastest talker I knew was the guy hawking Micro Machine cars. I wonder if anyone else remembers that.